How Many More Endeavors To Endure?

I am, for the second time in my life, in one of those pits which you really struggle to get out of-the only difference between this time and last time is the situation. The first "Low" in my life was in 6th grade where I just didn't feel accepted or right in life. Now, socially, I'm fine, but I feel so broken. My friends and family should be supporting me in times like these, there is only one problem with that: My friends and family ARE the problem.

My friends have gotten obnoxious and are not genuine at all; they look for their own personal gain before they help a friend. The worse part is I think I'm beginning to turn like that! The more time I spend with them, the more pressure I feel to be selfish and conceded. This goes against my morals, so I am fighting against these negative ways, but it seems to be a losing battle. I don't want to change, but I feel such pressure from my so called "friends".

My family-more specifically-my parents are entirely degrading. When I feel achievement, I get rewarded with their criticism. I never do anything bad, but they sure act like I am a child from hell. They say they want they best for me and offer me their unconditional love, but all I feel is sheer criticism and disappointment. I use to seek to please them; to keep them off my back, but now I am fighting against their authoritarian parenting and negativity.

I have only one more year till college, but I told myself that I would not leave my house with any regrets, and that is my intention. I once had a dream and the last thing I heard before I woke up was: "Don't stop fighting; Never stop fighting". Ever since then, I have been persevering and ensuring that I fight for what I believe is right. I use to be rather shy and solemn, but now I am starting to voice my opinion, regardless of how controversial it may be. My parents have began to see my demeanor change and are not pleased by it. I guess since things aren't going their way, they are getting a bit irritated, but I won't stop fighting against their nonsense.

To make things a bit worse, I stumbled across something quite serendipitous on the internet. I will not mention it as to avoid any animosity that may brew due to it, but since I have found said thing, I have become a much better person. I have kept this thing a secret from my friends and family due to their predictable lack of support for it. This thing has been on my chest for awhile and I'm waiting for the proper time to reveal it to them...I just hope they don't abhor it as much as I abhor them.

I'm pushing myself to the limit right now, fighting against my friends and family's views. I don't know how much longer I can push on. I just hope this doesn't get the best of me-Lord knows what will happen then. Ironically, the one's who should be supporting me now are the one's who are causing this pain.

My sister keeps telling me "Only one more year". I guess she doesn't know how slow a year can drag on. I have contemplated suicide a few times in my life, and this was one of them. I'm glad that I'm not brave enough to do it, because I could never go back if I did. Every time I think about suicide, I brush the thought away. I know I will never do it, but the thought still festers in my mind.

I think this goes without saying, but I'll mention it regardless: I need an escape.
Dulvan Dulvan
18-21, M
1 Response Sep 16, 2012

I feel u man. Sometimes I just up and drown myself in all of these books and movies, anything to distract me from situation. But in the end it's only persurverience and respect to your own situation that solves your problem.