What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

I am usually a very happy person. I appear the happiest and unhurt I can be, so no one could suspect anything. I am a very factual person. I enjoy pure knowledge, have no idea who the current celebrity is, and am in every sense of the word, a nerd or geek. I do not believe I am an unpleasant person to be around. I am merely socially awkward, and do apologize after every long conversation I have incase I bored someone to death. I have a passion for the sciences, and am going to become a doctor as a future career. I am currently in the eighth grade. To make up for being a dull person conversation and lecture wise, i bring money and an extra lunch to school everyday, to give to someone who does not have one. I end up giving away my own lunch, and reassuring everyone I am fine, and do not need it. I am an impeccably good actress, and liar. I do believe I am a self diagnosed high functioning sociopath. I am constantly in a state of worry, that I am not good enough, that I am not smart enough, that I am not nice enough, or that I have done something wrong. I try to appear a self-confident and unbreakable machine. I am, by nature, robotic and mechanical in my thinking and talking. I worry about everyone else, all the time. I do homework for friends, I give advice, I come up with ways to explain things to help people, and I listen when others talk. Last year in the seventh grade, steven chen called me fat, ugly, stupid, not worth people's time, and better off dead. I didn't reply. I never reply. I do not hit people, nor do I report them. I never cry in public, ever, or let anyone see an emotional response. I let them walk all over me. I am as they call me, a text book with arms. A few boys say that the only difference between me and a toilet seat is that a toilet seat is not an annoying ***** after you use it. I do not mean to be annoying. I get carried away when talking about the things I am interested in. No one else cares though, and they have made that incredibly clear. Whenever I open my mouth, everyone shouts: "Nobody cares!" So I shut up, and shrug it off. The things I am interested in include: Dark energy, runaway universes, anything to do with cosmology, rate of discharge by ionization, quantum theory, time travel, SETI, bacterial resistance to antibiotics, nutrition, evolution, writing, books, archaeology, and classical music. i find these fascinating, and really couldn't care less who is dating whom, or who is the newest celebrity. The only celebrity in my mind is stephen hawking. I try to be open, but most people just run away from me, screaming foul demon be gone. I have no idea what I did, nor what to do. Take for example, today in Algebra class, I was called to do an example on the board. It was tediously boring and easy material. I new of two ways to operate the problem. Some students in my class were struggling, and could not understand the second method if they did not already know the first. I knew there were people who were having this problem. I always found it easier to start with the first method, so I asked the substitute teacher which I should do.
"Go ahead and do the first method and I'll have someone else do the second." He said, smiling. I went up and did the first method, only to be greeted by a guffaw and outburst of boos.
"Oh my god that way is so slow! Stupid! Boo! Sit back down, no one wants to watch you do it the slow way!" They screamed. Cotrelle, Akash, and Facundo yelled this at me, and got the entire class to start yelling at me. I continued working, despite their booing.
"Now settle down class, her way is completely valid." The substitute said. I was doing it the slow way for the benefit of those some whom I knew would need it, however they shouted at me just as loudly. I felt my heart crushing inside, but ignored it, and kept a straight face. I would not let them see any emotion from me. To them, I was a text book with arms. Then Cici, a very popular girl in my class, is called to the board to show the second method, and she is received with applause, and shouts of "She's not slow!" from the class. I didn't reply once again. I was planning on going to the bathroom and glaring at the mirror for a while, but did not get the chance. I turned around and said to them:
"He told me to do it this way." I said. They just shouted "Nobody cares!" in my face. I sat back down, looking at sam (an acquaintance) who had laughed at me. I had been a laughing stock, and he'd laughed. He turned to me an asked me how to do the first problem. He obviously had just been laughing at me and not paying attention, otherwise he would understand the second method, by using the first method, and could operate the equation himself. I said nothing, but showed him how to do it and helped him on the next three. Another example that I have been holding in my head for too long and need to get out is the fact that I will give everything, weather it is extra or not. If someone asks, I do not want to say no, for I wish to become more warmly accepted, and also willing to sacrifice whatever to be at an equal level with others. I wish to be at equal level purely so they will leave me alone. I am a solitary person, and can only stand the crowd of three or four. I simply wish them to leave me be, and leave me alone. They do not though, and continue making my life misery, and I continue to hide it. I am afraid every day of the things I might hear that morning. So, as I mentioned before, I bring a lunch, and then a second lunch, however I never eat any of these. i bring money as well. I gee money to those who need it, and lunch to those who need it. I have not eaten lunch at school for nearly two school years. I give it away, then the people walk all over me. i try to appear strong, but I am weak. I appear self confident, and never let people see my emotional side, I have built up all this anger, and have not a place to relinquish control over it, and let it spill out. I cry myself to sleep. I have even cut myself, but I have told no one, and nothing. I do not know what I have done wrong, or what I can do. I have wonderful friends, Zoe, Tabitha, and Daniel, but I will never ever tell them. Sometimes I make up fantasies where I am in a different family, with a dad that loves me, and a brother who does not hate me. I never share these things. My dad never wanted kids. I tried to impress him countless ways. I was in minor league baseball from first to fourth grade, but he never came to my games, then I did science fair from fourth to present grade, but he never came to the awards ceremony. When I asked him if he wanted to go to open house night at school, he said to find someone that cares. it feels like I cannot do a single thing right! The only things I am good at are facts, pure, hard, cold facts. That is all I am good for, is being someone's text book, or encyclopedia. I heard Quinton say that i was his money *****. i win money from the science fair, and give most of it away. I had given a large sum to quinton, and I heard him say I was his money *****. I acted like I hadn't heard, and gave him money when he did not have a lunch. If I were in one of my fantasies, I would always be queen, and everyone would love me, and I could give precisely what everyone needed to them. I could give a kid in africa a home, or a woman in zair the treatment for AIDS, or a crying person a hug to release endorphins, but I cannot even make the people around me happy. When I try, they respond by being mean to me. When they are, I never respond, for I do not know what to say. I wish I could live in shrewsbury with monks, and especially brother cadfael, who gives so much love, and receives so much love. He said that no man is measured by how much he loves, but by how much he is loved in return. Am I then damned?











junholaday junholaday
13-15, F
4 Responses Sep 26, 2012

Sounds like you're doing a lot of self sacrificing. I used to be that way too, except I got tired of being used. It's ok to be nice, but don't over due it. Stop giving your lunches out. Take a lunch for you, and no money. Give none of your money away, save it for your education. Always put yourself first. If someone needs help, do it on your own time, but also learn how to say no. No matter how nice you are they will still treat you as a door mat, if you stopped being so nice they would probably still not be nice to you, but atleast you're not being used and that helps your self esteem.

The only person you need to keep happy right now is yourself, because if you're not happy you cannot make anyone else happy. Be proud of your own acheviements, you don't need someone to congratulate you, only you. That helps with disapointment.

I wish you the best, and hope things get better for you.

Thank you very much. Habits are hard to break. I just don't want anyone to feel the way I do. Ever. Thank you for your advice.

Cotrelle apologized to me today, after my parents met with the vice principal to complain. He said he feels like **** about what he did, and that he was sorry. I forgave him, even though I suspect it was not sincere. My parents did complain though, and now I wish they hadn't. I didn't want any of them to get in trouble. I also didn't want them to see me as weak, having my parents chew them out or something. Now they are sure to hate me more. Oh well, I am probably over thinking it. This is one of those nights where I couldn't fall asleep if I wanted to.

I do get satisfaction from the pure fact that a fairly rude person in my class, Facundo, has a funny name. I never say it to his face, or even to friends, but I think it. Facundo derives front eh latin base fecund which means to breed excessively, like rabbits. This gives me little satisfaction when he calls me fat, stupid, and or ugly though.

btw, I am not considered fat, or overweight. I am five-four and weigh ninety eight pounds.

I need people's advice!

Mostly I just don't want to get into an argument with someone, and create a drama, because it would be a waste of time.