A Life Yet UnlivedMy life, to be specific. When I was younger nothing made me feel more alive than to just stand before and audience, belt out a tune and see the awe, amazement and jealousy on their faces. When my parents sent me to private school and I had to deal with all the bullying, music and books provided an escape hatch for me. But my parents didn't approve and wouldn't let me join the school choir. Whenever the teachers told them something, they would always immediately agree no matter what I said, true or false. I've always said to myself that if I was on trial for murder and I'd been with my parents the whole time it went down, they would still side with the prosecution. Anything to put me down. And even when I moved on to high school, the school I wanted didn't match what they wanted so they sent me elsewhere. Another private school full of bullies like the place that had driven me to try to kill myself before. It was a fine day when they had to eat a slice of humble pie and transfer me to the school I'd originally wanted to attend. Turns out the school they sent me to was a huge scam. All through high school it was the same thing. Focus on your studies. Music is not important. You can't go out anywhere. No TV. That was my whole life, all 18 years of it. I couldn't speak to my parents because no matter what topic I brought up the conversation would always turn to my schoolwork and how I wasn't working hard and how they were disappointed in me and how my sister was perfect...
Whenever I spoke they never listened. They still don't. But they always tell me how I talk too much. When I'm silent and I stop talking, they say I'm being unreasonable and rude and cruel. I fail to understand it.
Now I'm 20 years old. I've spent the last 3 years at university doing a course that they made me do. My father specifically. He pushed me into it, shooting down all my ideas for courses that I might do and when I wanted to quit, I'd had enough of the headaches and the crying and the failure, he made me a promise.
By this time I'd realized it was childish to dream of acting or going into fashion or becoming a writer but I didn't think it was so far fetched to dream of the one other thing I'd always been good at that made me happy: cooking.
I told my father that I wanted to become a professional chef. I know we're poor now. There are no culinary schools in our country. But a promise is a promise and he made that promise 2 years ago. I'm done with school now and I guess the reason I haven't confronted him to ask him about it yet is because I'm afraid of the answer. I already know it. But if he takes one more thing away from me as he did my childhood, my self-esteem and my passion for life, I will never forgive him.
There was a time in the past I thought I couldn't live like that and I should just end it but I will not give them the satisfaction of bragging (mournfully) to their uptight friends how far I could have gone in things they pushed me into, what promise I had for things I hated.
I don't know what to do. I don't have anywhere to go. I'm trapped in my room with an internet connection dreaming of what my life could have been like if I had parents who were willing to stand up for me, and trust my judgement and believe in me. If I had parents who supported me instead of caring only of how people saw them when they looked at me. People say I'm a dreamer. Maybe that's why I'll die alone. Wasted talent in a job I hate and one day when I can't stand it anymore I'll empty a bottle of sleeping pills into my mouth and wash it down with vodka. Willing to bet that'll be by the time I'm 23... I just need help. I'm really losing everything and I cannot imagine living my life in an 8-5 shithole.
Some will tell me I'm lucky but I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS! Its brought me nothing but pain and frown lines and tears. I want to get as far away from it as possible. I just want to get something I want for once in my life. To DO something I want for one. Please, if you have helpful advice, if you can help me, then do.