New Baby, New Cage

I was happy once and adventurous. I wanted to see everything, do everything, meet everyone and live in the exotic places in the U.S.  I never wanted to settle in with an acre of land and wait for life to come to an end as I smiled through my disappointment and rocked in a recliner until the day I died.

I want to be somebody. I want to do something. I don't just want to whittle away my years seeing generation after generation born, grow up and forget about me.

My wife used to be the same way. Man, we had plans of moving to Hawaii and telling the mainland to go to hell.  We were going to have a great life.  We had to make some plans, which we did, and save some money, which we did.  Then, we got pregnant. That's when it all went away.

Right now, we live in Nowheresville, USA. The population is full of idiots, thieves, charity cases and bums.  We met here. This was one of our stops in order to get to the next place--away from the moronic masses and to somewhere that was worth waking up to. This is where I made my money.  I wrote a novel and had started on several other writing projects that would be lucrative and give us that extra boost to be able to live out our dream. 

We both attend college, having back-up plans for the day when my books are no longer interesting. (please don't ask for my titles. I want to remain anonymous.) 

She said "Nothing will change. We'll have this baby and she'll be a part of our lives, not our entire lives." I was dumb enough to believe that.  Fast forward to nine months later and my child was born.  She is beautiful and she's cute and she's done nothing wrong.  However, the minute she came out, the entire dream of a better life went right out the window.

My wife's nesting instinct kicked in, I guess, and now she doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything.  Just sit back in this hole and wait for our daughter to grow up.  She says "once she's grown, then we can get back on track."  This, ladies and gentlemen is GARBAGE!  I'm going to be in my late 40's by the time that kid grows up and I don't want to have to wait to live my life until I'm too old to care about it anymore.

I just want to get the hell out of here! We wanted to get the hell out of here once upon a time and now, I'm stuck.  Promises, like most things have an expiration date and ours was the birth of our daughter. 

Now, I want to appreciate my daughter and my wife, but it's becoming increasingly difficult to keep myself from resenting them. Everyday, I look at them both and think "Man, if I could have a do-over." 

Yes, I know that sounds horrible.  It sounds horrible to me too.  I've tried to snap myself out of it, but I just can't.  I'm completely and utterly depressed.  I don't even look at my wife the same way anymore.  It used to be that I couldn't keep my hands off of her. I was constantly kissing her, rubbing her back and telling her that I loved her. Now, I don't want to be anywhere near her.  I just want to be left alone.

I have no time to write the sequel novels to my book any longer.  When I get time, I get interrupted constantly by my wife for stupid little things that mean nothing.  I think she does it on purpose.  I could spend hours everyday playing with and holding my daughter and, yet, the one or two hours I ask for to get some work done, I am constantly being called into the living room, my wife is barging into the office for no reason, using the excuse "I was just looking for something.", or she starts this crying nonsense "you don't spend enough time with your daughter." 

I remember being the "man of her dreams", but the moment that the baby was born, now I'm the male jerk who selfishly wants to complete his work after making a point to put his daughter as first priority, resulting in him staying up until 4AM just to get two chapters written.  I think my wife does this because this is how Hollywood treats fathers (useless jerks who are only good for yelling at.), but this just adds to my need to get out of this situation. 

I take responsibility for my daughter and I love her. I think I still love my wife, but she's made it very difficult for me to look at her with anything other than contempt. I don't know who told my wife that when a child is born, the parent's lives become meaningless and useless because she has begun to exist. I wasn't aware that dreams, hopes and ambitions were out of the question once you procreate.

Now, I know why my grandfather hated life so much.

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11 Responses Jan 26, 2009

That sounds like the story of where my life is headed.... Best of luck to you.... I hope you can find a way to add some adventure back into your life without breaking up your family.

You won't be able to do anything until you're in your LATE 40s?!?!? OMG that's sooooo ancient. Look fella, I know it's hard to believe, but in your late 40s you will realise that you have only just started to understand how to live. You will be in your prime - not your sexual prime (isn't that what got you in this state to begin with?), but in your intellectual, emotional and general "maturity" prime. If you keep in shape, eat well, and get lots of exercise, you will still have 30 years of playing to do. <br />
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That's the first point. <br />
The second is that it is very possible, and easy to relocate with children. Particularly young children. I moved to from North America to South Asia with a 5 and 7 year old in tow. we spent 10 months backpacking around India, Nepal, Thailand, and then stayed and worked for a year and a half there. If that can be done, then surely you can move to Hawaii. <br />
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The third point is . . . exotic places in the US? How limiting. but whatever, clearly you are great at limiting your possibilities. I think you are blaming your personal failure on your kid. Great! Keep up the good work.

I understand. I applaud you for being able to express yourself so intricately. It takes a real man to have the balls to confront his feelings, be honest with himself, and try to find some sort of resolution while still doing the moral and right thing. Kids change up the scenario quite a bit. On one hand, I understand what your wife is going thru. We have these raging natural instincts that kick into full gear from the moment that bowling ball sized 'bundle o' joy' leaves our pubic canal. I tell ya, only a mother's child could get away with damaging the female body as pregnancy causes. I still cry looking at the stretch marks that 10.2lb., 221/2 inch long child caused to my perfect little fr<x>ame! LOL!<br />
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I completely understand that dream to 'get away'. I am working on a BS in Sustainability right now in hopes of traveling to other countries...finding my own true happiness while making a difference in the world. My sig. other does not understand my ambitions, nor support them. In the long run, I begin thinking about the core differences between us. Whether the difference in our values and future goals makes for an unrealistic relationship. For you, I think this could be a hump for you to jump on over. If she once made you crazy in all of the right ways, that is bound to bounce back after things level out w/ the adjustment of a new baby. There may be a compromise somewhere that your able to make together. But know I do understand. I wish you happiness and internal resolution. It was uplifting to see there are still good men out there that can be honest and open with themselves instead of hiding it all inside :-)

I know exactly how the author feels. I never wanted to be a part of this society, or any. But you get caught up in trying to set everything up, just right, so that you can get out, get away, guilt free.<br />
I have been able to escape for some significant periods but always have to come back. <br />
It's not the kids of the wife that hold you back, it's yourself. You have listened to her and she keeps you caged. Now have her listen to you and tell her what you have to do. Make her choice not to go, not yours to stay.<br />
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Some will say you ran out on your family. But that is the same evil that keeps you locked into a life you didn't want or plan for. It's a cheap cop out. You say "We're going to do this" and if she says no, it is her that is splitting up the family. Get her to assume that responsibility and go.<br />
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Problem is, women want it both ways - and they rule in the art of manipulation. "Honey, we're moving to "name your place" and if you refuse to go, then you have to accept full responsibility.

-i totally understand... however when i was pregnate and even untill my one and only son had his first birthday i was truly happy about being a first time mother...however... as my son started to get mobil i am more and more stressed about that he is going on 3. there isnt anything that i can keep him out books,cds,dvds, coffee, bedroom, all the little life pleasures that were once only MINE are now just play things for this tiny man that has me pulling my hair out.... it is hard to imagine that something so small can totally turn ur life inside out... and it is also hard to tell you that one day this will all be worth it... but...i realized that ob<x>jects can be replaced. however hard it will be. but tha love and innocents that are tied up in these little people is amazing....just open ur eyes... she will teach you so much... good luck.

People move with children all the time. What would you do if you didn't have a child? Make your game plan with that fantasy in your head. Then do it, with your family. I really don't see how children are cages. They tend to follow you wherever you go.

I feel for you, I do, but this story just enforces why I will never have children. There are certain types of people that can enjoy raising children and being family-like. Then there are others of us that know that we want the buck to end here and we just want to enjoy the time that we have. Good Luck

Damn dude... That's pretty crazy...<br />
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I for sure wanna get to do everything I wanna do before I get married and especially have kids... <br />
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Cuz I know that I will not have the freedom and independence that I have now...<br />
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I'm sorry that you are bummed out... I hope that things are better for you now...<br />
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Maybe you and your wife should go on a vacation or even just a overnight getaway... You guys can just hang out... And enjoy each other's company...

There are many changes and challenges in life. Along our journey, we question ourselves and the world around us. The journey becomes overwhelming and we long for escape and dream of a better and different life. You chose your wife as your life partner and have a beautiful baby girl to share your life with.<br />
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Have a heart-to heart talk with your wife and tell her how important it is that you have some time to yourself. It would be nice if a friend or family member could watch the baby so that she too can have her own free time.<br />
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Sometimes we have to work at our marraige. It is not all roses and sunshine as you have seen. I think you are just overwhelmed right now and coming here will hopefully help you deal with your life challenges.<br />
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I never had children myself, I had pets instead. LOL But I do know that children are a lot of work and also bring <br />
great joy. I wish you the strength, courage and peace that you need in your life. **Smiles**

Sounds to me like you (and your wife) may have post-partum depression. I went through the same thing, and my spouse did as well. It was HELL. It'll only get better if you work at it, and right now. If you have relatives, get them to mind the baby, then surprise your wife with a night-even a few hours, like a date night or something, alone. She may ***** and moan the first few times, but it'll get easier for her AND you. Try to remember the way it used to be when you ARE alone together. You need a break is all I'm trying to say, and she may not realize it yet, but so does she. Believe me, she'll thank you for it in the end. BTW, no one to watch over baby? Then splurge on a monitor, put her to bed, and plan a romantic night in. Good Luck Sweetie.

Your feelings are understandable. Kids can be a huge responsibility and if you were'nt a grownup before, then you sure as hell will become one now. <br />
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Here's the deal though. Tough ****. There's really only two ways outta this. Leave or change your perspective of your new life. Learn how to accept things the way they are instead of the way you want them to be. Let go of the idea that you have that much control over your life.