Feelings That Haunt Me.

Where is my smile? I haven't seen it in so long.

I have shook hands with somber and now, I feel nothing. Life just tends to bend us and jade us to this place where nothing is worth our interest anymore, where people are expendable and friendships are based on profit.

I don't think I'm bitter. I'm just what I am. I'm a stone cold ambition freak that will never succeed at anything until he succeeds at everything.

It got me. Life got me. It shot me right through the heart and wrenched emotions away from me.

I guess what is upsetting most is that there is no comfort for a man like me. I'm hopeless. Those that may be able to provide comfort cannot stop the bleeding now. It's gone too far.

Success is so subjective. It is so perceptual.  One person succeeds when they can afford to go to TGIFridays for a weekend trip.  For me, it's different. I was raised poor. I was beaten. I've had my hands shoved into boiling water, broomsticks broken over my back and have been assaulted by my mother with a butcher knife. I look back on it now and it angers me. I cried all of my tears then. I felt all of my worries then. Now, I move forward, understanding that no one can be trusted. I understand that anyone that is close will always hurt me and therefor, I keep them at arms-length.

I am a monster now. I only exist to move forward, gain more, produce more, and never look at anything behind me.  Sometimes, however, I do look and it jabs me like a knife.

Funny how life turns on us isn't it? Funny how good intentions turn us into robots, unable to feel anything at all.

What a horrible world this is and oh how it has shown its hatred toward me.

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1 Response Feb 26, 2009

The world has horrible moments and it also those wonderful moments. I am sure you have had both. It is alright to be sad sometimes and see the down side. Try and remember that it too will end and things always change.