Its Time I Shared About My Crisis.. the First Month (its a Long Story)
I have been carrying this with me for long enough now. I need to crib about it, act like a crybaby or something, basically i just need to pour my heart out!
I have now been suffering from slip disc for 4 and half months. Bedridden, stuck to just one darn room, yeah maybe i changed a few rooms but in the end its just one darn room i end up spending my day in. I was a social person wonder if I am anymore, though that does not bother me much. Even if i tried i would just act frustrated all the time and shoo people away anyways I just want to share about my past months...
Its 2:21 am I have counseling scheduled tomorrow morning at 8. I should be sleeping but I really can not get myself to sleep. Tomorrow is a big day, when I get to decide which college I will finally be going to, but when I think of it I really don’t have a choice, the rank that I secured does not really give me a choice as to which college I want. There is a flashback racing through the burrows of my mind, the past 3 months, what I was to be and what I am.
I get my MIT admission results, it was a dream etched deep within me to visit MIT for my graduation degree. I was not selected as an undergraduate, I was broken, I though this was the end of all my dreams, but little did I know that this was just the small starting of what was to come. I go to bed depressed, almost feeling-less as if nothing mattered.
I have consoled myself a lot that I still have a shot; if I clear JEE I can still get into a good college my second pick after MIT. I gather myself up, stop whining to myself about MIT and prepare for the future, I can not let what has happened affect what I can still make of the opportunity given to me, I start my preparations for the exam with all that I have.
I find that I have severe pain in the leg, it was there for quite some time but I ignored it, today it is not letting me even sit, even when lying down on bed I keep groaning in pain. I am taken for an emergency M.R.I. and the result is that I have slip disc, severe compressions at L4-L5 and L5-S1 levels and moderate at L3-L4. I am put on strict bed-rest. The exam is on 12/4/09. I am promised that I will be able to sit again in a week.
A week has passed I try to sit, I am able to sit for 30-35 minutes that too not totally pain free, the exam requires 6 hours of sitting, 2 sittings of 3 hours each at a gap of 2 hours. The subjects I have to study for it are Physics Chemistry and Mathematics, well enough that too lying down on bed.
The 35 minutes of sitting paid of well, I cant sit for even 5 minutes now, I can not even stand as long as to take bath, I am given a urinal in bed to pass urine. A bed is all that surrounds me. Worth mentioning that I was trying to study, it was a joke, ever done mathematics on bed? Plus the medicines that I was on, lyrica, one of the worst “put to sleep” pills.
Today is the big day, oh a little update of meanwhile: It was evident I would not be able to sit for exam also; discs do not pay heed to the countless tears you shed. Ah, well! My parents have taken permission for me to give exam in a lying down position, writing exam on bed, ever heard of that? Especially math and physics paper, chemistry is still within reach. I am tempted to give up. Why am I even trying? I have barely studied within the past 3 weeks of the exam. A exam that students prepare for 2-3 years, oh even I was but the last 3 weeks? The most crucial ones I was not able to study. What is it that is still motivating me to give the exam? What is this feeling? I’ll try thinking about it after the exam let me take the exam first.
12/4/09 (Just before exam time)
Here I am at the examination center; I will be carried on a stretcher from the center’s gate to the examination hall. I came here in an ambulance from home. I feel like a celebrity, just a beat up one. Look at all those pitiful and inquisitive glances I am getting from the students, peers rather, they have come to appear in the examination too. Their looks are pretty encouraging I must say, the “Why is he even here? If he can not walk how is he planning to sit in exam?” looks really help a already very bleak morale of a student.
12/4/09 (Examination hall)
I have a separate place for giving exam, my own table chair and a bed beside it, oh by now I was able to sit for like 30 minutes fighting the pain. I meet my invigilators the two of sweetest people I have ever met. They come and ask me how I am doing, I have never met them before still one of them goes on to tell me that I will get selected, he says its written all over my face. Just a sweet gesture to boost my self confidence but it helps especially after the cool looks I got while getting to the examination hall. I have a plan I will start giving the exam sitting down, I have taken an extra heavy dose of medicines just in the greed to increase my sitting period. I started the exam, I guess the whole year of hard work was paying off a bit, I knew things even though I missed out on the last three weeks of study. The extra heavy dose had to work and it did, i was pain free for a little above 1 hours that too after i had ten 500mg analgesics not to mention the lecture i got after getting home for taking the insane medication by myself. Moving on, the next 2 hours i dealt with pain, finished my first sitting of exam, totally screwed by now...sitting in the second exam even for a min is not an option.
12/4/09 (Break time 2 hours between exam)
Damn the pain, I need some rest, even lying down it is not helping, damn damn damn!!!! Whats the use anyways i know cursing wont help, neither will medication, let me try to meditate for a while, which turn into hollows of the past 3 weeks i spent and the memories of me and my friends planning how we will rock at the exam and get to the same damn college and party for all the past 3 years we have spent burning the midnight oil while our peers spent time ravishing those final moments of school. Suddenly I hear my mother say, break's over son, the second one starts in 15 minutes, do your best.
12/4/09 (Second sitting - 3 hours)
Nothing much to say except that i gave it lying down on bed, oh btw you know, i love press, they love to highlight stuff like this, next day i was in papers for the "student who gave the exam lying down" why dint they add "and screwed up his career". Obviously i was far behind what i could have done in the paper. Times up though. Finally JEE comes to an end. I am to be escorted out again on a stretcher while the media adores it. And from their to get my MRI done.
12/4/09 (Back home)
I am frustrated, i am lost, i am annoyed, i am actually indescribable i tell my parents to let me have my alone time, i actually want to express my anger and frustration..i beat my fists thinking about everything, every **** life has thrown at me..every damn hurdle!!! Oh i beat them too much, one of them is swollen like a balloon and hurts bad, give me some sedatives man, ive forgot to sleep without them as i pop 2-3 in my mouth and close my eyes to tune of comfortably numb.
POST NOTE : I got through the exam i cleared it with a very low merit though. Still its something to rank among the top 5000 of 500,000 who sit for exam, esp in my condition huh?
A part of this story was written on 15/6/09 rest today, this is just the story of the first month. Thats enough to deal with today i guess...