The Desperation Of Perspective

Because I don't sleep when I should and I've been awake for so many years. I just can't stand this feeling of never belonging to anything other than everything. And you wouldn't understand how much I just want to be one of the clouds, floating away coming and going and carrying rain. Because I feel so very full of empty so very much of the time. I don't know why it hurts to be alive or why I never seem to feel what I should. I see too much from too many angles and I've lost all perspective.

I don't believe in what they say and I can't be fooled by lines acted by actors in this play. I'm so far above the world I can barely make out the shapes. But oh, they look so alone, moving and breathing and bleeding down there. I wish I could tell them it's a clear view to the horizon if they would only lift their heads. But they can't hear me in the way that matters and I've never been very good at speaking their language. It gets lonely when you're floating a million miles away but you still have to pretend to play. And I don't know the names of the colors so I can't explain what's true. And I don't know how to pretend I'm anything like you. But I keep trying. I'm losing my heart and I'm constantly failing and falling and wishing for some ground. Because this nighttime goes on and on and I'm drowning in a poem that never stops flowing. a river of words that knows all the knowing. I only hear it in the silence of what I've lost, in the shame of what I've done.

Is it alright to keep fading? Because I don't believe there's much left of me now. I've got pages and bottles of thousands of cures but I can't find a single solution.  And I wish you could just hold me and tell me everything's okay, that you understand what it's like and you'll get me through the day. But I curl underneath my layers of lies and cling to the edges for dear life. I just find it so hard to be steady and real, keep breathing and blinking and acting alright. I want to fly away from here and never look back at the ones I've left behind. And it's sad but they never really met me and there are worlds I am hoping to find.

No one cares as it is and I can't figure out how to change a soul. And I'm losing myself to the winds all around, the dark tunnels of change and absence of sound. So let me out of the trying and let me out of this skin because something inside is dying to live.

someonelikeyouknew someonelikeyouknew
26-30, F
3 Responses Feb 10, 2010

Very well written! I have been where you are and i may have some answers for you. Please send me a message and i will do my best to help you. I promise to not judge and its all confidential. Xo Dee

That was beautiful.....and I understood it all.

Its a difference between living and just simply existing...<br />
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Every person dies, <br />
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not every person lives...<br />
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i am in the same situation as you <br />
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