God, yes. I not only need to be loved and appreciated, I need to feel it. It takes far too much energy to pretend that I don't. I can't go on feeling like this anymore. It's honestly killing me.
I have come to the truthful realization that I have never been truly close to anyone, most likely because of my childhood. I subconsciously disassociate with the idea that anyone could possibly genuinely care for me and stay with me. And thus, I live in my own mind, and people are like guest characters in my consciousness. They come and go as they please.
To top it off nicely, I am of the sort who especially yearns for connection... thus, multiplying the pain of reality. So, so, so much has been stolen from me.
What a f**king nightmare.
DustToAshes DustToAshes
26-30, F
6 Responses Apr 19, 2012

Update: Overall, I'm believing, before seeing... seeking and holding onto truth, before feeling. I'm so grateful for growth.<br />
This story sounded more negative than I actually view life in the depths of my mind. But then again, it's good to express oneself honestly... but also to acknowledge and express the truth. And the truth is is that I *am* loved and appreciated. I really am. I'll feel it more and more, in time.

I have / am like this too. I have recently discovered that it might be related to Aspbergers Syndrome for me. <br />
Hang in there , it will get better :)

I know a decent amount about Aspergers Syndrome (research and personal experience). It helps to realize that "mental dysfunctions" don't define you... it is another struggle to transcend, and a journey to obtain wisdom and understanding.
Thanks for the encouragement! I was feeling quite overwhelmed and defeated when I wrote this. But overall, I definitely do believe it will get better. You hang in there as well!

People like us do live in our own minds since I think it's the only place we feel safe. To open up and be honest and let someone into our feelings is just so painful and anxiety inducing at times that we dread it... but at the same time yearn for it. We crave connection but fear it, we crave closeness but are suspicious of it, we need to feel needed but feel we never deserve it. We live in a world of contradictions where we feel no one truly understands us.

wow , well put

Thank you.

I do concur that many experience these opposing emotions. We do need these intimate connections, but because of past experiences or misshaped views, we are indeed doubtful of such necessities manifesting. Wisely perceiving that some situations may have negative outcomes is helpful, but allowing emotions of irrational apprehension is detrimental... stealing from us, essentially. It is most difficult to obtain a sense of being understood... I suppose part of my philosophy right now is to remain observant, patient, and open-minded. Some parts are too painful to reveal, but I am hoping in time, they will heal. It would be counterproductive to project the past on anyone...

I sincerely understand what you mean, I often feel the exact same way, especially lately. I connect with people very rarely and it's sad, because I genuinely want to, but I become... sort of distant, or the other person seems distant and so I back off. <br />
It's like a never ending game of hide and seek.

Exactly, and it makes us feel even more alone.

I think that when we actually connect with someone it's a minor miracle and we can become overwhelmed by the emotional rush of it all since we tend to be emotional people here.

And that is definitely unhealthy: games. There shouldn't be games in life, as there are human beings with hearts involved. I empathize with you; it is indeed painful. It is never good to avoid things out of fear... discernment, yes, but not fear. Fear is a illusion that paralyzes... Not easy to overcome, but certainly possible. I hope you can find a way to connect in the way that you need, BedeviledBeauty.
What I was also referring to in my story, perhaps rather inconspicuously, is that, even when I do 'bare my throat' (very rarely), I still cannot connect to the idea, or fact, that I genuinely am valuable to another person. It just doesn't click. I never had close relationships with family... in fact, quite the opposite, so I am sure that effected the dilemma I have, to some extent.

I can also relate. I've never felt "good enough" and am always looking for approval. My nature is co-dependency. I try to "fix people," thus getting in relationships with alcoholics, or people that having problems... thinking that i can fix them. Take it from me, you can't "fix them." Even though my divorce is not final yet, i already feel so a lone. Thankfully, i work 6 days a week and have a couple of good friends to take my mind off what's going on in my personal life.I

Do you think that one of the reasons why you try to "fix" people is because you want to be their savior? So you can feel that you have purpose? I do believe that one can only directly change themselves, not others. The best way to inspire people is to lead one's life by example.
That is quite beneficial that you have more distractions... not in the sense of running away from obstacles, but to avoid thinking yourself into circles. That's never healthy... I hope the situation gets much better for you.

I know EXACTLY how you feel. It sounds so close to my past. You're dying for it while everyone else gets it easily and takes it for granted. Tears me up inside

Yes, that is a valid point... it is that much more tormenting to be lacking a necessity, whilst everyone else surrounding seems to be showered with it. However, once we do receive that absolutely precious gift of connection/unconditional love, we will hold onto it with all that we got. We will appreciate it from the very core of our hearts.

I agree with that. Really.