My Love Tank Is EmptyI have been without the warming and fulfilling feeling from a caring woman's touch for so long. I have now been separated from my wife for nearly 7 months now, but that drought of physical touch and caress has been absent for far longer that that. She never was able to care for me, never wanted to make me feel loved and appreciated, never wanted to get close to me and meld together as one. Why? I would ask often...just Why? What is it about me that makes her unappreciative of me. After all, I focus on her and provide for her every need. I sought to meet her love needs. Why am I not good enough? What am I doing wrong? She is so pretty and I am so attracted to her and she married me, so what changed and why am I not good enough now. What happened?
My primary love languages (as I've read from Gary Smalley's book, "The 5 Love Languages") are physical-touch and words-of-affirmation. She knew that, I think....unless she forgot. I felt like she knew, but just didn’t care. We read that book together, but why wasn’t she interested in loving me in those ways? The men in her life before our 22 years relationship; her former ex-husband, her former lover and bio-father to our oldest daughter, must not have been able to satisfy her needs either. I've now been discarded and dumped to the curb. She is off trying to find her new sources of meaning. I am not good enough.
Well, I am tanked out. Previously, she left me again 9 years ago when I ran into a major crisis at work - one where I was responsible for the death of a pilot. I really needed her then, but instead she distanced herself even more and became angry at me, and then left me the very day that I filed for a leave of absence. Why did she do that? I thought I married someone who could love me and be there for me...someone who was my ONE and my confidant...after all that is what I saw from my mom and dad. Why wasn’t this the same? Two years went by from that separation. She had immediately filed for divorce when she left. She filed for sole custody of our children. She didn’t want anything to do with me for 2 years. Finally, my therapist told me that he thought it was okay for me to begin dating again. I met a beautiful woman. She was the woman who I had always longed for. She turned out to be my soul-mate. She was tender. She was kind. She was physically warm and affectionate. She was compassionate and understanding. She felt very comfortable sharing her soul with me as I was sharing mine with hers. I loved meeting her in her vulnerabilities and being there for her. After all, she felt like trash after having found out that her husband of 18 years was having homo-sexual relations. We bonded together like woven fabric. We dated for nearly 8 months when my soon-to-be ex-wife discovered our relationship. She freaked out! She came pounding at the front door of my new mates home...demanding that I come out. We had been enjoying a relaxing lunch on her back yard deck. Neither of us had the courage to answer the door. After about a half-hour, she finally left. We were both shaken. What had happened? Why all of a sudden did she care about me? She then called my pastor and asked him to contact me to have me come back to her. Before that she hates our pastor. Before that she had accused him of being part of a cult. I was scared to death. Why did she want me back now? Two years without caring an ounce about me, and then all of a sudden she wanted me?
Stupid me…I loved my children so much and wanted my marriage to work out so badly and I was still so captivated by her beauty that I decided to go back to her. Just like our early dating days, she treated me like I was her one-and-only again. Though, just like after we were married, within a year I was devalued by her. For 7 more years, I was again treated like a nothing.
I so wished I hadn’t gone back to her. I gave up my soul-mate 8 years prior. I hurt her badly... Why did I do that? I regret that decision more than any other in my life. She had been the one I always wanted. Why did I give in to leave her and draw back to my wife.
I am still hoping to work things out with her. She has once again discarded me. Will she wait until I move on again to want me back? How sick is that? No chance that will happen again. I am trying to be patient and protect my heart and protect the heart of another woman if things can work out. I don’t want to make that same mistake again.
Please pray for me. Please pray for my children. Please pray for my wife. Help her to get the help she needs to heal from her child-hood wounds that plague her today. I know I couldn’t love her enough to heal them. I hope that she will be okay…. I really do. I fear for the future of my kids.