Passing The Blame

After leaving me feeling so lost and broken and aching for him, he decided to call me. I didn't answer. I felt so hurt by him; he knows exactly how I feel, he knows that I want him, he knows that I need so much more than what he's willing to give me. Why is he being so cruel? He gave me a taste of everything I want and then took it away from me. All that's left now is the sour after taste in my mouth and the bitterness bubbling away in my mind.
The calls kept coming and I kept ignoring them. 
I eventually gave in to texting him. He told me that he didn't 'understand' what I was trying to 'prove' or 'achieve' and that if I didn't want him to 'contact' me then that was 'fine'. I told him that I didn't understand how he could be there and understand me and make me feel worthy and then just **** me off for a week! 
He tried to tell me that I couldn't understand if I was going to ignore him and block him out... but what was he really going to explain? He can't be everything I want him to be, he can't be permanent, he doesn't love me, he doesn't want to be with me, he doesn't even want to try. I knew everything that was coming and I didn't want to hear it. I just wanted to stay in this bitter frame of mind so I could blame him for everything, I wanted to hate him, I wanted to make him feel the pain I was feeling, I wanted to just cut him off but I had known all along that he wasn't being real with me.
It's all my fault.
I still want to blame him for making me feel loved and then starving me of my addiction but I had been pretending too. Pretending not to know that it would all end up like this, pretending not to know that this was all a lie. I just can't help feeling angry at him for letting me take it. He knows how I feel about him and he also knows that I'm a manic depressant teen and have been for years! So why would he just let me go through all this? He knows I can't cope.
No, no, no.
I knew deep down the whole time that it was nothing more than what he wanted. It's just so much easier to blame him for everything that I already knew. And now there's this mixed up mess, laying on the bed all broken and angry yet weak, so weak. She wants to be fixed and she wants to be strong but for some reason, she just can't hack it. As she lays there, she cries, there's no more will power left in her to try and now there's one question that resounds in her head; why?  
mixedupmess mixedupmess
18-21, F
1 Response May 14, 2012

Let Jesus in he won't let you down like that clown did. I have cried so many tears for guys I could make a river.

:/ i have been feeling more drawn to christianity at the moment, even though I'm not really a religious person. Are you in a happy relationship with someone at the moment ?