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The Insurmountable Anxiety

Last month I broke up with my girlfiend, and I will explain how this happened.

I was on the swim team, busy all the time; I was tired all the time. Not only that, but I take AP classes at my high school and have a busy schedule. But I had a girlfriend who I loved and adored like no one else. She is still the most amazing girl to me. I tried to talk to her as much as I could and be with her as much as I could. I would try my best to show her how much I loved her.

She started hanging out with a friend from her school. Yes, a GUY friend. I was not happy with this but I was kind enough to let her be. I don't why I did,. but I started pushing her away. I never saw her as much, but I loved her. I wanted to hang out with my friends and see what it was like for me to be single again. It felt selfish, but it felt like the right thing to do.

When she told me she kissed him, I didn't know what to think. This girl was my first girlfriend. I had no reaction, and I felt nothing. I went on a couple days later to propose that we be in an open relationship. Now I believe this to be the worst mistake of my life.

A couple days later, while I was working on homework, she called me. She said we should break up. I agreed, and all seemed well. I thought to myself, "Okay, I'm single now. All is okay."

But all was not well.

The very next day, I hung out with her. We talked about things. I stole.. I stole 3 kisses from her that mean so much to me now. She let it be, because this was a habit of ours. Things were different. But I remained calm. She told me she was dating this guy now.

And after this day, I talked with my friend Dalton. He said what she did was not right, because she had kissed this guy before we were in an open relationship, before we had broken up. I felt nothing. I didn't know what to feel.

When I got home that night. I broke into tears. I REALIZED what I did. How stupid could I be? THIS GIRL WAS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. THIS GIRL WAS THE GIRL I WANTED TO MARRY.. And still want to marry..

I called her in tears, and said I would pick her up. I did, I didn't care if my parents knew I left or not even though it was midnight. I took the car, and picked her up. We drove around the neighborhood and parked somewhere to talk. I BEGGED for her back, while in tears. But she said she couldn't because I was too late. She told me I shouldn't have let her go, that I pushed her away. I realized she was right. I didn't know what I was thinking.

I took her home. But before she got out of the car, I asked for a kiss, a kiss I never got.

Ever since that, I had been really calm. We remained friends, people started finding out about our relationship. She didn't like it, but it's something that happened. Her and I said that we have a special place in eachother's hearts. When she told me, it meant everything to me. It meant hope. We continued being friends, enjoying fun days with eachother.

But recently her boyfriend has obtained marijuana. I have nothing against smoking it, but my worry is that he will take advantage of her. Her and I promised eachother that we won't touch other people or let others touch us. With this said news, I began having bouts of worry.

I began having anxiety attacks.

The first one came Monday while in my Chemistry class. She hadn't texted me back and when I got a text saying "Im sooo highhh" my worry increased evermore. I couldn't get things done. I could not think straight. She later got sober with herself and said she was fine, and that I have nothing to worry about. I calmed myself as best as I could. I got to see her later in the day and when I did I felt OVERWHELMINGLY better. And I know that when I'm with her, everything feels so perfect and all my worries are gone.

The next morning, I asked her not to smoke, she said she wanted to.. I made my point to her. She did anyway. But she told me later that while she was thinking of how to reply to me, she didn't think of what she was doing when her boyfriend gave her the marijuana that morning at the bus stop.

I couldn't help but worry about her the whole day. How I might lose her, how another man might touch her. This was the girl that I lost my virginity to, and the girl whose virginity I took. This is something that means so much to me, that I hold so dear. We have known eachother for more than 2 years now and have been best friends for a majority of that time.

When I got home yesterday I dropped my things and went right to her house without saying a word. We were going to meet halfway between my house and her's but I made it to her house right when she left. I hugged her and was relieved to see she was okay. I took her back to my house and made her some chocolate milk; it's something that calms the both of us. When mom got home she was upset that I didn't tell her that I brought my ex over.

But yesterday was wonderful. Eye opening for me. I had a talk with her about what we really felt. It was a calm talk, and very discussionary. She explained to me that since I was the kind of boyfriend (and friend) that always asked her what she wanted and catered to her every need, this caused her to be annoyed with me many times. She said it might have caused her to become more selfish because I always gave her what she wanted and never asserted myself. I learned, from her, that I need to be more assertive and that if she wants something she'll tell me; I don't need to ask her.

We enjoyed ourselves, talked about ourselves and our feelings. I felt so much better about myself and our possible future. And the news she gave me that her boyfriend might move away made me feel better. I took her home, and we talked in the car before she got out. She told me it's hard for her to let him go, she pretty much has the decision of whether or not he stays or goes. She's a caring girl, she doesn't want to hurt people. She's just.. confused.

I took her to her door, said bye, and gave her a hug. I'd text her soon, and she'd be safe in my mind, in my heart to me.

In about an hour she said goodnight to me, and I was writing down what I had felt in my journal.

Everything was going calmly for me until mom had walked in. She told me that hanging with my ex was tearing me apart. I couldn't deny it, but I did not want to accept that in front of her. She was upset with me for hanging out with a girl that has a boyfriend and telling me that I need to see other girls. But I find it diffcult. I have tried, and tried again to move on. But everytime I ask to hang out with a friend of mine, she can't. Other friends have the same problem as well. I feel as if something is keeping from being with someone else. In her fit, mom took my phone.

Today, I felt fine. But I had a anxiety attack when Meg couldn't text me back. I wasn't sure if she was home. Her phone, I knew, was dead. I worried, I cried. My breathing was hesitant. But now I know she's okay. I'm talking to her right now.. It makes me feel so much better.

She is my catharsis. I still love her, and I wish we could just show eachother once again. Instead, we both feel pain and sadness. And I don't want to push her away again, because that was the worst decision of my life.

I just needed to vent, and I hope you can have something to say. Please, do not criticize me. I am 17 years old, almost 18. I am college-bound and have a successful future ahead of me.
johnpq johnpq 16-17, M 1 Response Nov 29, 2012

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I vent to but I vent in drawings. I draw what I feel, its hard to explain.