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My Life Story. Part 4

This past week has been mad. So busy yet so much time to think and so many things to think about. Iv'e been through police interviews and recorded interviews, now i have one of the biggest decisions to make of my life.. do i get put into care? Miss J and the police lady came back to school to tell me that i can move out if i want to.. i don't have to live at home but it would mean me going into care or to a foster home. Everything would change.. i might even become happier. I can't seem to get my family out my head though. I want to go so badly, i think it might help, i don't get noticed at home anyway so much so when i took an overdose mum just left me to deal with it on my own. I needed her the most then and she wasn't there. I'm left to deal with everything on my own because my brother is more important, no matter how many times teachers and police come to my house she never listens and nothing changes. I hate being at home, that in itself is a huge trigger for me. (i self harm) I don't want to live her but i feel so guilty for it because i don't want to make things worse for everyone else, whenever someone talks to mum about me she puts on this massive act and starts crying, they fall for it and think I'm lying.. Even though i know it's an act it kills me to see her cry as soon as the person has gone she just starts up again slagging me off.. telling me to die, calling me pathetic and stupid. She has done it with loads of my school teachers and always tells me to shut up and not say anything because i will get myself kicked out of school and told off. I can't help caring about everyone though, that's why it kills me even though it's an act. I really do want to leave but i can't hurt my family anymore than i have already but being here isn't helping me in the slightest. I failed to fight the urge to cut last night and i guess that means I've just let everyone down, i don't even know what i want anymore..
Hannahhh24 Hannahhh24 16-17, F Jan 12, 2013

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