Desperately Seeking Love and Affection
I have only been married since May, to a man I have known since 1998. I feel completely alone, that I do not matter. Quite frankly I don't even think he loves me. I seriosly have days where I think I would be better off not here.
Do you ever feel like the puppy sitting under the table begging for scraps? I sure as hell do, begging for any attention, some sort of sign that he still loves me. I know I am pathetic, and hate it.
I try to be positive and let him know I appreciate things he does around the house or for the kids. As a man he does not get that if he puts oil in the van for me, or fixes something around the house, that is not doing something for me. I cannot get him to understand that it means doing something that only I benefit from, something I like or want. I get told I don"t know what you want.
We do not sleep in the bed together, he went to third shift so he would not have to be home with me. Although now we are home during the day together, but he is asleep.
I want my husband to actually kiss me, not brush a kiss against my cheek as he goes out the door to work. Or just hold me or hug me. Sit next to me on the couch like we used to and watch tv together, he would tell me to either put my head in his lap or to put my feet up on his lap. Even smack my butt once in a while like he would. I try to be close and touch him but he pulls away. So I am always left feeling rejected. I cry in the shower alot,as it is muffled by the running water.
I don't know how much more I can take, or how long I can go on like this. I am so resentful towards him, and snap at the smallest thing. Even using the f bomb, which is not like me. It hurts so much, every day.