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I Don't Know What The Answer Is

I married a wonderful woman about a year and a half ago. We didn't have a lot of money so we did a low key wedding where it was pretty much the two of us. My parents ended up coming as well. A few months later we were able to go on a honeymoon and my mother took care of our cat for us while we were gone. While we were gone my mother let my sister in. While my sister was here she stole all my wife's jewlery. A few days after we came back we discovered a significant portion of it was missing. We suspected my sister because of pervious comments like I like to go upstairs and look at your clothes and I like to go upstairs and see your cat. I confronted her on it and she denied it and my mother stood up for her until I told my mother she tried to borrow money from me for an abortion. Then I found out she had been on heroin and stealing from my parents for two years. I filed a police report and went to every pawn shop in a 50 mile radius of where we live. I found all 30 of the 35 items. We took her to court, she got a slap on the wrist, and my wife got her things back that I was at least able to find. I had a security system installed and changed the locks to my house. Aside from my wife talking about this constantly since July 2010 we haven't had an incident.

Here we are in April 2011 and we have our first child. The labor was 30 hours and full of staffing issues at the hospital. So my wife is tramatized about that. Baby is healthy though. While we were at the hospital my mother asked if there was anything we needed. We needed dog food and we were coming home on Easter so the vet's office wouldn't have been open. My mom picked up the food for us. When I picked up the food there was a hole in the bag. (I should also mention that my sister still lives with my parents). Two days later after giving my dog the food she breaks out in hives. Constant visits to the doggie ER and what not. I call my mom to ask if anything could have happened to the food and she said no. When I asked if my sister could have done anything she got mad and told me to never call again. My father came over and told me he was done with me and my family. He apologized a few days later and my mom is trying to make ammends. My wife will not let it go and wants nothing to do with them. I'm stuck choosing between my parents and my wife. My wife and I are constantly fighting. I feel she has turned into this different person and I don't know who she is anymore.
j21043 j21043 31-35, M 6 Responses May 14, 2011

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Stay strong man! I can only understand you sister and parents point of view because I am the kind of relative that has stolen from family to fulfill a drug habit. Knowing this allows me to understand that it is impossible to truly love or care for anyone when drugs are involved. Unfortunately your parents are sick with your sister, mine were too! Your parents are probably taking sides because junkies love to inflict sympathy on the people around them, that is what was comfortable to me. My advice is simple, don't choose sides, love your wife, and try to facilitate a solution not more problems. What you and your wife need is your family to realize that your sister needs to get better before anyone can heal. The drugs are like an open sore that can't heal. And please do not blame your parents, that is a one-way street that leads no where. Instead try to understand that they more than likely feel like they gave birth to a wonderful daughter that is now broken because THEY let her down, when in fact the only person that has let anyone down is your sister letting herself down. My guess is that if you aim to heal the drug addict in the family not the family itself things will begin to work themselves out. Good luck and god bless.

It sounds as if your sister has some serious issues, as well as having your parents wrapped her around her little finger.

I know that you have a feeling of responsibility, a feeling that you're stuck with your family, but you need to figure out who the most important person in all of this is, and what would be best for them. Does your son need to have his aunt in his life? Does he deserve to live in danger of her irrational behaviour? How about your wife - how do you think she's feeling in all of this?

Perhaps you DO have to choose between them.. it's harsh, but it's true. Or you can choose the third option - yourself. But I don't know if you could cut and run, and leave your son. Just think about what is best for the kid, and how badly you want things to work with your wife. She might seem like a different person but you are probably just discovering a vulnerable side to her - she is probably scared, confused and feels under attack by your family and feels that you should be taking her side.

I can understand that perspective. My issue is this. We haven't had contact with my sister since September 2010 when I had to sue her to get my wifes things back. My son doesn't go to my parents house. I'v e had her back the entire time. My mother has been nothing but nice and taken all of my wifes abuse since the birth of my son and shrugged it off and hasn't said a word. It's gotten to the point I feel my wife has become a bully, with me, my family and her family. Two weeks ago she stopped talking to her sister because she rolled her eyes at her after an argument about going on vacation together and where her parents would stay.

I want to take my wifes side. For a time I did. With how she has become with her family and getting more and more upset about not doing things when she was a little girl are becoming more and more frequent and is shifting the blame for that towards me.

I feel in my heart she is a bully, she has become selfish, self-involved and not able to handle not going out or traveling because we have a baby.

I am really of the new found opionion that I am not the problem.

I think you should tell you wife how you feel, about having to choose her or your family cuz that's not fair to you. Your family should also understand that your wife's feelings toward them are valid, while she might be taking it to an extreme, it is still valid. I definitely suggest therapy for you both together and apart. A mediator might be able to help guide your arguments into something more constructive that both of you can learn from. If your wife is open & willing to do this. If it helps, the whole family might need a few sessions to deal with these issues. You might need to remind everyone involved that your child is the most important person involved in this, he deserves to be able to see all of his family members from a young age. Even if you get a divorce I still recommend therapy, so that everyone can get along civilly at the very least. Hope this helps!

I think you should tell you wife how you feel, about having to choose her or your family cuz that's not fair to you. Your family should also understand that your wife's feelings toward them are valid, while she might be taking it to an extreme, it is still valid. I definitely suggest therapy for you both together and apart. A mediator might be able to help guide your arguments into something more constructive that both of you can learn from. If your wife is open & willing to do this. If it helps, the whole family might need a few sessions to deal with these issues. You might need to remind everyone involved that your child is the most important person involved in this, he deserves to be able to see all of his family members from a young age. Even if you get a divorce I still recommend therapy, so that everyone can get along civilly at the very least. Hope this helps!

Maybe if you stop acting scared of her....and call her bluff she might come to her senses.



I know this might sound cold...but seriously, you will have deal a life time of this..if she wants to walk away, you have rights to your son 50/50.



Ask her to get some help or you might use her anger towards you to help you in court if you need too.



Good Luck!

How could I use her anger towards me in court. Do I need some sort of proof or something?

I don't blame my wife for how she feels at all. I'm growing tired of being treated how I am for what happened. I haven't asked her to do anything with my family. I would at least like for my mom to see her grandson. My wife isn't even open to that idea. My wife has been threatening divorce and has been constantly picking at every flaw at everyone in my life that isn't her friend or family. I try to say something and she just yells and argues with me on every aspect of it until the argument turns into something that I did years ago and don't even remeber.