I Need To Change

I am so unhappy with myself. So totally and completely unhappy with my life and the way i live it..those of you reading this, please continue to read and then leave your comments below...i am desperate for advice and some sort of guidance. I just dont know what to do..thats my main problem..i dont know WHAT to do to fix this..im not even sure i know what exactly is wrong with me. all i know is that each day i wake up angrier and angrier because i dont know how to fix my problems. I am so insecure...thats predominantly whats wrong me..i have immense, deep seated insecurities..i dont know where they came from or what i can do to fix them but they're there and they're killing me. funny this is, ive never been through anything traumatic in life..there's nothing monumentally wrong..but i still feel this way. which just makes me feel worse. My insecurities are getting worse day by day. I feel ignored and rejected by everyone around me..i feel like im invisible and that no one talks to me or looks at me..i feel unpopular..i feel like im just not important. i constantly get mad at people because i feel like they're ignoring me and ive ruined so many of my friendships because of this. i always run after other people's approval..their praise means everything to me...i feel like i have so many faults and that im the worst person in the world. I used to write but ive lost my confidence and i just dont feel like i can do it anymore. anything i do, like interning somewhere, just doesnt make me happy because i always feel so stupid. i honestly feel like i have no knowledge about anything. i feel so ignorant and unintelligent..i want to fix this so bad. how do i feel good about myself? Anything i attempt in my life just doesnt satisfy me because my insecurities get in the way...i fell like ill fail or im not doing as good as some other person..and i have such incredible anger issues. i snap at everyone around me and that makes me feel so terrible all the time..i say such bitter hurtful things but i dont know how to stop..i think negatively about everyone in my life..i get so annoyed so easily and then i say something in retaliation and then i worry that person's mad at me...its the same pattern over and over again...how can i stop doing this? i hate being so angry and petty. deep inside, im a nicer person..i like beauty and happiness and loving people but EVERYTHING like my frustration and anger just makes me forget all of that...i dont know how to bring that side of me out..i deal with anger in such an unhealthy way...i hold on to it and keep thinking about it till it makes me madder. i can be vengeful and catty. how do i change this viscous way of thinking? its so toxic to me...but i dont know what to do about. please someone recognize whats wrong with me and how i can make it better
redtoshiba redtoshiba
18-21, F
4 Responses May 6, 2012

omg while I'm reading this, I feel like I'm reading my own thoughts and diary. this is how i feel too, right now.....

You guys are all right..ive tried therapy in the past but it never works too well for me..i find it better to talk to friends or family and ive been doing that lately...your kinds words have made me realise there's so point wallowing..so today i made the decision to fix my life. i figured out what was wrong..thoroughly explored myself and came up with the answer that my main problem is anger and negative thinking...the more these go on, the more it becomes a part of me and the worse i feel about myself..it had become a viscous cycle...to end that, ive made the decision to control both of these things. i tried tat today and there were inevitable slip ups but i tried not to beat myself up about it too much. after all tomorrow is a new day right? point is, i feel better after letting it out and receiving your advice..you're all very caring people and i am so grateful.. i hope things with me work out

I have felt this way before as well. Usually it just happens in bouts, however. What I believe triggered a lot of this emotion from me is from a few sources: <br />
<br />
a - pot<br />
b - bad professional experiences<br />
c - body issues/physical appearance<br />
d - cigarettes / alcohol <br />
e - empathizing too much while being too distant<br />
<br />
As you can see here all of these things can cause a pretty vicious cycle. Mtns4mE made a good point up there that all of these folks who seem to be so perfect are doing a lot of fakery, and I don't think they take a lot of things in to account at a sensitive introverted level. One thing that I came to grips with recently was that it is okay not to care what other people think about you or to apologize for your mistakes all the time (especially at work). People turn that around on you very quickly. Also, I cut down on drinking . . . a lot . Clearly I'm still not totally over this problem because I'm still goggling things like "fix my life", but I feel like it's a start. Honestly I'm not sure how to fix all of these things and it often causes me to feel really lethargic, which in turn creates a feeling of guilt and continues the negative downturn. Seeking professional guidance may be the way to go, or just talking to someone you feel comfortable with can help as well. It takes a lot of thinking over and talking to start getting real about life. You're obviously thinking about this so you're not hopeless! Some people never think about these things at all, and they're in a group called Type A. They stick to basics and it works! Other people wander from the beaten path of what works and get in to the thorns. It takes years sometimes to really figure out who you are, and the mental process can be incredibly insightful to life much moreso than sticking to the type A happenstances that don't lead to further questioning. Of course it's uncomfortable and everyone desires companionship. Once you open up to someone else who understands you I think the dialogue helps create personal growth. There's no easy answer.

Hi, just read your blog and your way of feeling is very real and causing you alot of unhappiness. Is it not possible for you to see a counsellor or professional that you could talk things through. They ask the right questions and give good tools one can use and advice. Sounds like you could really do with some help. Sorry you going through this difficult time. I use to be such an intrivert if anybody looked at me too long I would just blush. ]Also felt others were more beautifull and and had everything going for them. Life can seem so cruel at times. I gave my heart to the Lord and I'm not about to preach to you but just telling you how I overcame it. Because I felt I belonged to somebody it gave me confidence and I became more outgoing and accepted by others. Hope you find whatever it is that will open doors for you too. Keep us posted.