I was a loser who grabbed and latched onto the only person who went for me. She loves me so much and does everything for me. We have been together for close to 10 years. But I wasn't attracted to her in the beginning and she was never that sexual which didn't help matters. I really wanted to change me and did everything to change my looks, personality, outlook etc...and it worked. I started attracting women, beautiful women, but never went the full way out of respect for my wife. But in my frustration, I did cheat and realized I need to make a decision. But how do you crush the one soul that actually built you up and cares so much for you. I feel like a sisterly love for her, not a sexual, physical one. She has even tried getting more sexual and doing exercise to look her best...but I never had a honeymoon phase, or those hot encounters that most people have had. Its like too little too late..I am feeling so depressed at the situation.
Psychscream Psychscream
31-35, M
3 Responses Aug 28, 2014

I'm not about to tell someone to stay in a marriage if they are miserable. Your wife deserves to have someone who really loves her. However, this honeymoon phase you are talking about... that's really all it is. It's a phase. Real love and a real marriage is work on both people's parts. You have to be willing to learn about each other and grow together as a unit. How you worded it makes it sound like you're looking for the excitement of a lusty tryst. And that's fun and all... but it's a far cry from an enduring love. Maybe it's too late for your marraige, but if you keep holding out for a relationship that's going to keep that honeymoon phase, you'll be waiting forever.

Lusty tryst? WTF is that....I don't know lust. Is it fun and all??...must be great...can you describe it for me?? I am 31 and don't know that...WE NEVER HAD THAT. If I read another marriage page where they mention "one must re-ignite the fire" I will vomit on myself. There was no fire to begin with (no honeymoon phase). I have to get THAT kick from something else. So do divorce or keep my wife happy while I live a double life?

You said that so brilliantly. That's exactly it. I would give anything to be as direct and objectively, truthfully blunt like that (I wouldn't be in this mess;))

But that's it, I would rather have somebody say it like it is then tip toe around everything. I would of loved some lady back in the day to tell me something like "listen dude, you better do x or you are not getting y". Then I would have known. Instead my female friends always told me what a great guy I was and that I should have girlfriends (the usual friendship zone bullshit) I may contact you with dating tips later;) I want brutal honesty there too...

I love it, I cant get enough of how you say these things. You would make an awesome drinking partner:)

1 More Response

You may lose the one woman who will truly love you , but if you are chasing other things that's your choice .

I sat now and stared at what you said there, something about it stung me. "The one woman who will truly love you". That's exactly the problem. Am I that much of a loser that only one girl will love me? Am I that insecure? The only way I could ever test my insecurity is to face that which I never had: another women. So... cheating/being a scumbag to my wife. So do I remain married and insecure or change my situation? Its tough and unfair to my wife anyway.

We all want to feel safe and secure in a loving relationship . But as humans , the moment we have that , we want fun and excitement . You should be directing that back into the relationship .
Ok , so maybe she's not really your type .. Pity you didn't tell her that before she spent all that time and energy on you .
At face value .. You used her as a stepping stone to get you somewhere else .
It's your call .. But I feel bad for her .
The sex might be better on the other side , but that might be all .

My greatest problem is that I never had fun and excitement. I have the rest, but not that. I don't relate to things like "honeymoon phase" or "carnal desires", I never had that and just want a piece of that like most people have got. My wife cant give that to me. But I like the fact you see it from her side. Its all true and hence my anger and frustration at myself. But re the sex may be better but not the rest...a) I wouldn't know because I havnt experienced other women, and B) I made a recent vow that NO women will EVER dictate my heart again...ever. I always tried to be some girls Knight in shining armor and sacrificed a bit of who I am for that. I never got any girl. Never again. I am starting to realize, the bigger of a douche I am, the more women (and women problems) I am getting.

This is exactly why I don't believe in being a virgin when you marry . Anyone !
There is bound to be too many regrets .
When I dated my husband we had both had more than enough experience to know what we wanted in a partner , and never had to think about what we might have missed out on .
If I could , I'd remove a few boyfriends from my past , since I know I have the perfect man . But I wouldn't have been so sure had I not dated those morons .
I get why you feel like you do .
Maybe she has nothing to lose .. She doesn't know that she doesn't have what she thinks she has with you .

You hit it on the head. Her problem is that she has everything to lose. She loves her comfort zone and is scared to ever leave it.

Wrong . She thought she had something with you . You on the other hand used her to improve yourself ! She has everything to lose alright , she never had what she thought she had .
You can move on if you wish , but you might just find out that other women can see through the facade of the new you ?

You mostly correct from her side (making me feel even more cr@p) but where I think you are wrong is the façade thing. Its not like I saw her one day and thought...wow...let me use this girl to improve myself. I didn't HAVE A CHOICE. I latched on the first girl that actually acknowledged my existence. I didn't know how this bf/gf thing works because I never had it or could get it. I think you are so privileged to have at least dated others and choosing, I never had that choice. This realization happened a while into our relationship and I started changing for my own sanity. Its not a façade, I changed...end of story. The guy I am now, is not the guy I was. I was a nice academic. Now I am an angry SOB that is so excited for my enrolment into cage fighting training. To be honest though, I am not looking for love. I just want to be single and claim some good opposite gender stories that I robbed myself of in my younger years.

Ok .
You changed for the better ?
Angry SOB , excited about cage fighting ?
I hope you don't think that playing around is going to be your answer .

I didn't mention a change for the better (I don't think...to lazy to go check), I just mentioned a change. Playing around isn't my answer as much as marriage is. But I may be able to grab some experiences that I never had, that all you people take for granted.

You sound like you want to take what you deserve ! I suggest that you drop the anger !

Do I not deserve that which most humans get? The feeling of being attractive? The feeling of turning somebody on? Being desired? My wife, when she was my girlfriend dumped me after 3 months of dating. She took me back but I always think she would of preferred somebody else. I grew into a stronger person and now she does love me and will be devastated with the D bomb...but that's how our relationship started.

Ok

Ha! You made me laugh. You're right, man. It seems when you are a douche as you say the gals come flocking. Same for the women, seems the angry harded women who don't take crap usually end up married.
So you want to sow your wild oats?
You say you cheated, yet you never had lust? I'm curious how that works.

10 More Responses

Talk with a lawyer, plan your exit, and if possible, be gentle as you tell her you want a divorce. Don't give her any hope of a possible reconciliation. She will be in a tremendous amount of pain, but eventually it will heal. Do her a favor and just do it. Don't waste anymore of her time.

Lawyers...hate those guys. I am actually in an even tougher spot than you think. Here is another catch, I cannot divorce her yet legally. We need to stay married for at least 5 years. So if we split, we wont get the legal divorce yet. If you want to know why, you can message me.