I Need to Get Away
I've come to the conclusion that I'm in the wrong generation. A friend and I were talking about how things use to be. Naturally, things change, but what do you do when you just need to rebel a little? My boyfriend is ten years older than me and I listen to all these stories and I painfully realize all the things I haven't done. I need experiences. I need my own stories. I was thinking of going away for awhile. I just don't know where. I'm tired of Ohio. Lately, I've been taking a trip down memory lane and listening to a lot of 90s rock. I miss the 90s entirely too much. I know there's no going back and I have a really hard time dealing with that. There's so much I didn't do when I was a kid. My reasoning at the time was - "I'll have another life to do these things." Is that not the dumbest thing you've ever heard? I mean, it's not something I necessarily "believe", it's just what I've always felt. I can't explain why. In some strange way, even if I got another chance, I think I'd mess it up just the same. I know everyone has their histories and they are who that person is. I should probably be proud of mine, but sadly, I'm not. How many people do you know that dropped out of high school twice? Well, now you know at least one. I wanted so bad to graduate. It was one of my biggest dreams at the time. Twenty something moves and eleven schools later, that dream went up in smoke. I just couldn't handle it anymore. Part of that dream was to graduate with the people I had known my whole life. Then I got pregnant at the age of 16, which didn't help. I don't regret having my daughter, but I regret having her so young. I recently had some legal stuff going on and I was placed on probation for two years, twelve weeks of anger management, and counseling. The worse part is that I didn't even mean to do what I did. I don't even really remember the incident. Everything just happened so fast. I remember my chest hurting so bad afterwards and the going to jail for three days. I have never ever been in any trouble before, never even been pulled over. Part of the prosecutor's deal was for me to be assessed to see if I need anger management. The place I went to wouldn't give me an assessment unless I have a drug or alcohol problem, which I don't. After I told them that I would go to jail for twenty eight days if I didn't have it done, they put me in the program for abuse of marijuana because I smoked it one time when I was fifteen. I never got an anger management assessment, I was just automatically put in. This was after the lady said she didn't think I needed anger management. So here I am. Nothing's the same anymore. I have a record now. I'll also be drug tested every week. That isn't a problem since I don't do anything like that, it's just an inconvenience. I'm twenty one years old, though. I want to be able to party a little if I want to. So this is why I feel trapped. I'm longing for something, I just can't figure out what it is. I try to think of things I can do, but I don't think anything will help. I guess I've led a pretty sheltered life and I need to fix that.
