I Want To Not Care.

I’ve never tried to make things happen my way. Not as much as I’d like anyway. I’ll admit that mostly, I’ve done my best to do whatever other people do, because that works for them. In my mind, the possibility of being myself, and doing things my way hasn’t been an option. I’m awkward, I overthink and I don’t feel comfortable with the people I’m supposedly the most alike. The people my age, from my area, who wear the same clothes as me and go to the same school as me. These are the people I’ve tried to relate to. Tried to impress. Yet, lately I’ve realized that these people, the people I’ve spent most of my life with, are as different from me as if we lived in separate parts of the world. I keep wishing I was like them. That I care as much about NOW as they do. What the next cool party will be and which guy to conquer next. I wish I was like that. That I didn’t analyze everything, planning everything like every move will affect my future. But it does though? Everything you do now makes a ripple effect toward whatever is on your path in the future. What you say, what you do, all of it. Sure, you can go away, run away and try to “start over”. But even if you do, wouldn’t your past choices have molded the person you are today? That’s why I wish I could just not care. Not think as much about these things, because if I didn’t care, maybe I would be able to be myself fully and wholly. Maybe I would be able to speak up and not be terrified that whatever comes out of my mouth could possibly ruin the path I have ahead of me. At least the path I can see in my nearest future. The path where the people I know today are still in my life, still there to judge me and wonder what the **** is wrong with me. Because no matter how much I want it to not be so, people mold me as well. That’s why I don’t feel like I’m doing things my way. Because the people and opinions I have around me restrict whatever is in myself and in my mind.

So why not stop caring? Tear down these restrictions and just let go. Not think about the future and just do whatever the hell I want. Why not? Why not, not care?
fadedshade fadedshade
Dec 7, 2012