Paranoid Android

I just realise how true it is, that you can only understand your reality looking back. The present is so unpredictable, its a roller coaster. It started happening in high school. In my weakened state of mind, I felt people start to attack my identity. I remember two people in school, who i hated, so immensly, i really wish they would die. The hate was immense, and now i feel guilty for feeling that way, but at the time, it felt deserving. I started distancing from everyone, not going out, staying in the library at recess. I became a loner. It hurt alot, to feel so ******* alone, but it felt like it was the right decision at the time, it was the people who were ****** up (or so i thought). Then I was done with high school, barely white knuckling the anxiety day by day, I thought id be done with this anxiety. Uni would be a new slate, filled with possibilities of wonder and awe. But it wasnt, it was the same. People were *** holes, the uni was ****, god everything was ****, why am i getting such bad luck? So i ran away and stayed on the pc all day. Taking a **** on my morals. Cowardice, I couldnt handle it.

Now today, it seems this magnified, and either im in extremely bad luck, or im the cause of problems. As paranoid and delusional it sounds, it really feels so ******* logical, and im sure its right. There are logical reasons that people assume i wont see, but i do see them, and I can tell theres more to the situation. I confronted a friend recently, he swore there was nothing, but i cant shake that feeling. Its always there, theres always something against me. Help, i dont want to feel like this anymore. Its paralysing. I cant think anymore, i cant focus on my passion, all i do is think about this **** most of the time.
Skas Skas
22-25
Jan 16, 2013