I wish I knew how to be adult about stuff when it comes to my Mum.
I just always have such a gut reaction when it comes to decisions she makes.
The latest one is to sell the house where she lives with her husband of a year and move to an orchard. The house where they are now is a beautiful beach spot that will sell for less than its worth on todays market and one that has been in her husbands family for 15yrs and his children are devestated that hes chosen to sell. This house is already an hours drive from where I live - since she has moved there I see her about once a fortnight, very briefly, she usually just pops into my work and says hi. Iv actually spent quality time - like eaten a meal at her house together, about 6times last year.
The place they want to buy will be 2hours from where I live. They will run the orchard - neither of them have any experience doing that sort of work. My Mother is thrilled about the prospect of working only part time in the orchard (! I dont think she has a clue how much work an orchard is!) and being able to paint more because the town has an art society. So does the one where she lives now, she just never joined. The other positive is that its further away from her husbands son, whom Mum doesnt like because she feels he stresses out her husband too much. However, she does not consider the distance to be too much for her to be able to see me regularly. And there is also my Nanna, who lost her husband of 65yrs last November, who she will be away from too. When Poppa died there was much talk about my 'selfish' uncle who lives about 3hours north not pulling his weight and being around for Nanna. And now Mum is leaving her two sisters to keep an eye on Nanna.
I know shes a grown up, entitled to make her own decisions regardless of what I think or feel about them. That she has every right to make decisions for her own life and move on and ahead with things she wants to do. That moving away from your children and developing your personality as a person aside from a mother is a good thing.
I dont want to be the centre of her universe - I want my own life too. But I wish I could come to terms with feeling like Im not even on the top 10 list of priorities. Her reasons for leaving seem so ill-planned and selfish.
I wont say anything to her about how her leaving makes me feel - to say so would imply that I want her to stay - and of course, if moving is what she wants, what she needs to be happy then she should do it. I dont want to hold her back - but even my existence feels like it gets in the way of her living her life how she wants.
Im a burden. I cant talk to her about anything anymore because if it doesnt immediatly affect her then its excess to be culled. Shes so distant. Is that part of growing up? To not just physically leave the nest but to move away emotionally? I know she still loves me - but its like a love of convieniance - like if I was a friend she could cut off, she would. But shes obligated. I dont fit in. Shes like a stranger to me.
I wish I could just grow up - I wish I could seperate out my emotions and shut off the ones that just want her to love me and be there for me. The ones that want to expect her to listen, to give time for me.
I wish I knew how to be mature and just let her go.