Why Did You Have An Affair?

My husband had an affair.  It is hard to explain because it is all so complicated.  He did not sleep with her, but he did fall in love, go out to lunch with her and talk sexually online to her.  I just want to know why. 

It was his ex-girlfriend and I have found out that it was happening from the day I met him until I found out 1 1/2 years later and that is when he ended it.

I could never and would never even think about cheating on him.  So why was it so easy for him to do?  What makes us so different?  I just want to undertsand.

She is also married.  They dated when they were younger and got together again a few weeks before I met him, she was then separated from her husband but only for a short time.

Why could he do this for so long, and even fall in love!  I will not judge anyone but I would really appreciate anyone contacting me to help explain it to me.  I am desperate for some understanding.


JDPG1721 JDPG1721
41-45, F
4 Responses Feb 11, 2009

Thanks everyone.<br />
Although I have been betrayed and hurt beyond belief, in all other ways my husband is near perfect. Time will tell if this wound heals and if this marriage survives.<br />
To Stevester, thanks for sharing your personal experience. I am not sure he really loved her. They told each other they loved each other ... but now he says it was not real love. There again - I probably will never know for sure. <br />
Of course he claims he is cured, claims he now sees what he stands to lose etc etc. I guess you could say he is claiming 20/20 hindsight. It is a shame it took this to make him appreciate the loving family he already had.<br />
Thanks again everyone.

Are u sure he was in love with her. Men confuse infatuation/lust with love. All the affairs i have had were based upon me stroking my ego with young pretty women. My wife is beautiful but after ten years of marriage she knew eveything about me. Part of an affair is the reinvention of oneself. you might call it lies but there is something heady about the now mundane things about one's life and acheivements receiving praise and admiration from a new audience. Of course there is the sex but it's only the aftermath of the courtship. I am now cured. I have had my last affair. The other women in this instance was badly hurt. The other women had come and gone with mutual acceptance and no fall out but this last time was bad. I have grown up and am lucky that my wife knows less than she should. Only he can know if he is cured. I hope so.

Thank you for your comments.<br />
There was no fighting or lack of sex when it started. We were very very happy, and he still admits that he was very happy with me at that time. He cannot give me reason why it started, just that he was blind, stupid and made a huge mistake.<br />
We started having problems later though. As a typical cheater, he started coming home and picking fights etc which led to lack of sex ..... that is when the affair progressed. I do know that many cheaters find things to complain about at home, just to try to alleviate their guilt of turning to another woman. If there is not a problem at home, they try to create one. And that is what he did and totally admits to that now.<br />
Yes there are children .... and we of course do everything possible to shield them from this ugliness.

I am so sorry you were hurt by this. What I don't understand is, you were atthe begining of your relationship. Why would he not just take his chance and be with her free and clear. It sounds like he wanted his cake and eat it too. I am a child scarred from an extramatiral affair. My mothers reaction to my father's cheating was beyond belief, and the hurt and problems it caused was scarring. Please if you have children, keep it between you and your husband. You have every right to feel the wave emotions you are up against. Good luck.