At This Point...

I've always thought I loved myself. There's a picture of me when I was younger were I'm sitting on a chair with the posture of a princess. I'm holding a mirror at arm's length and I'm flirting innocently with my reflection as I comb my hair with my fingers.  I was five then, and now I am about to turn twenty. I've come to realize that loving myself is much more than staring at my reflection in the mirror, and so much more than lounging around like royalty.  At this point, in my short life, I've come to realize that I do not love myself.

I care for myself. But I yearn for someone to love me. To value me. I grew up with my dad, after my mom left my family when I turned six. My dad is a great man. He managed to work day and night, keep me in school, and show us (My siblings and I) his love with every action he made. He was always so strict with me, since I am the oldest. And he was always so understanding when puberty hit me and I had no one to turn to but him. We had our fights, obviously, and I thank God for them because they made me who I am today. Now, I am a sophmore in college, working towards making her family proud.

But, I recently found that I'm stuck in a rut. After high school, life lost its excitement. My first year in college flew by, and before I knew it, I had taken on my first internship that took me accross the United States and placed me in Washington for two months. Now, in the middle of my sophmore year, I find that I'm in this rut because I forgot how to love me... value myself. Don't take me wrong; I don't disgrace myself publicly, do drugs, or anything of that sort. I simply breathe. And think about other things that aren't me.

People said I'm passive. I said I don't care. But now I do care. I confessed to my heart's obsession how much and how long I've wanted to be with him... and he said it was too late. He felt the same way, but now it's too late and it would never have worked out because I'm passive. I don't want people to think that of me. I don't want ME to think that of me. I need to learn how to love all the great things I have to offer because it's obvious that others won't start doing that for me. So... Dear God, help me in this journey. I'll admit: I'm scared of what I might find.

BuildingASmile BuildingASmile
18-21, F
Feb 10, 2009