I Try So Hard

I have a pretty Horrible past that I Cannot Change. Mistake Made that I cannot Change. I want To let every single bit of it go. And Live Fully. Just Recently I had my Mother Bring Something Up From my past. The past Few days I have Let it really Get to me. Because Yes I Have Lived with it Close to Five years. Yes I Got help For my problem. I Realize Thanks To A Great Loving Man, That it indeed was something That happend. yes I shouldn't of done what I did. I can't Hang on to that mistake. I have to Live Again and Be Satisfied with myself. I Just Want to Move Forward. Is that so Much to ask For?

 W hen I was Nine, My Bio mom Died. I didn't Know Her that well. But Her and my dad Divorced when I was Three. Because While he was Working Trying To provide a home and Food For us She was out Doping it. So me and my Sister (my only biological Sister) Where Removed my Children Services and Placed into a home. Well When We Finally Got out I was six years old. I went to Live with my Grams. Who Took Good Care of us, My Dad Remarried and we went to Live with Him and This woman (I'd soon Call mom) At First She was Really Amazing She Took Good Care of my sister And I. I thought She Loved me. Well She Adopted me In Spring of 95 I was Only 6. Everything was All Gravy, For about a year. Then she Started Fooling Around On My Dad, Beating my Sister and I. And secretly Doing Drugs. Things Went Down hill from there until I was about 9 Years Old. Some Really bad Stuff happend. And my Dad Left her (And us to For that matter) He sent me to Live with Grammy. My Innocence was Lost. Winter of 1998 Dad and Mom Both Left Us. As I got older Mom Came back into the Picture As Nothing Happend. I was already Scared From that. But I forgave her and let her in back in. She was Remarried To A Friend of hers and I guy I really Admired. He Became my daddy (Still is to this day) I decided to Move back in With them Because somethings in my Life where screwed up and I thought it would be a time For Change. 


What Lies beneath is what I say now. Mom Was still addicted to Drugs. She Started Beating me again. And I started doing Drugs I was Just 15 not even 5 days Past 15. I began using Cocaine First. Then I went into her room After school and Saw a Sandwich like Clear Bag with a needle and powdery Substance. So I Got a Few Friends and We Shot up Along with A Lower class Girl Who Was scared. I injected her and She ended up in a coma and died, I never Forgave myself I always Thought I killed her. Well my Dad Watched as I got worse Staying gone days at a time, Coming home high I was really scaring him. I came in from school one after noon to be searched by my mom. She patted me down and Found The Drugs. I got a Blow to the face, She hit me , and Yanked my ear ring out my ear. My Dad Came in, and saw this and he Pulled her away from me. Packed my Bags and we left He took me Home (Jersey) we spent a month there Trying to Find Treatment centers to take a Girl as young as I was. Eventually we came back and he sent me to a military treatment Program I spent 4 months cleaning up. Another two Recooperating in a half way house.

That Year My mom and Step dad seperated. My dad and I moved in with grammy. At that time my Sister was Pregnant with my niece. Me and mom cut off all ties until last summer When Grammy died She pretended To Care she moved me home her and my step dad where back together. I Lived there Worked with her, And tried hard to stay clean. Then she Started bringing my past back up and She did it again recently. This time about my Friend It hurts so bad for her to do this. I am to the point I am beginning to despice her When I get to a place I can actually be satisfied with myself she brings something else up to hurt me all over again. 

I know I may be wrong For hating but she can't allow the past to Die!