I Need To Let Go Of The Worry I Have For My Son

i have 2 wonderful sons and feel blessed to be their mom. things are changing as they are 19 and 20 years old and need me much less. i find it difficult to make a connection with them these days and it is very painful. they seem bothered or otherwise occupied when i try to talk to them-that's when i can catch them at home! my oldest son and i have a very tenuous relationship. he's always been more challenging behaviorally-irritable and very much wanting his own way. since 10th grade things have really been tough. he started to stay out late and hang out with some kids from bad situations. whenever i expressed concerns about these friends my son blows up. we've had such bad arguments that im surprised our neighbors haven't called the police. there were many nights my son did not come home and my husband and i were worried and searching for him. he'd walk in the next day and say,"what's wrong with you guys?" one day when he was in 11th grade the police came and told us our son had punched a boy and was charged with assault. he had to go through a court diversion program. he has been in and out of therapy and on and off meds for a diagnosed anxiety disorder since he was 9 yrs old. we also went to family therapy for over a year to try to get some help. when he was a senior in gih school he was arrested again. he did not come home one night and we got a call the next day from the police station. he was arrested for resisting arrest as he was present in a house when the police came to the door and wanted to get in. my son and the other people in the house would not let the police in. so the cops broke down the door and arrested them all. our son said his friend at stopped there at his uncles and that he had gotten caught up in that situation and hadn't done anything wrong. we did not know whether to believe him. he spent the day in the jail (we had the option of taking him home or letting him spend the day.we decided to make him stay to teach him a lesson). he ended up having to hire a lawyer (we made him pay for it) and he went to court. the charges were eventually dropped as a witness came forward and corroborated what my son had said-he and his friends had just gotten to that house. in the meantime his friends have gotten into trouble. they dont come to our house because the know i disapprove of them. one of them is now a paraplegic after an accident. two others have lost their licenses for dwi. in his senior year my son refused to go to school and we fought alot. i worked with the school and they were great-allowing him to work as he had earned the credits needed to graduate. he is a smart kid! since then we've kicked him out a few times just for being downright disrespectful. last semester we were so glad he signed up for 2 college courses. needless to say he quit and we lost that money. i've told him he will eventually need to pay us back. he does work a full time job steadily and pays for car insurance and phone. he occassionally helps out at home but usually comes home from work, showers and leaves until late at night or early morning. i forgot to mention that we forced him to do home drug tests for a while. he came up positive for pot and we know he smokes it (never here). he refuses to go to counseling but does take lexapro for anxiety and has seen a psychiatrist-he actually initiated that. anyway, last week there was a home invasion in our city that was all over the news. it was at the home of a family our son had lived with at one time and he is connected with. the suspects say they were looking for weed and had guns. i freaked knowing my son very well could have been present there. i talked with him about it and he said i was dramatic and that he was fine. my husband and i told him he has to go to counseling and he has again refused. my son told me hates me and that i instilled him with his anxiety disorder. today i was so depressed and upset i left the house and drove for 5-6 hours. my husband thinks we should just let him be and that he's just finding his way. i resent my husband for being complacent. anyway-i don't know if anyone will read this and may have advice-but i would appreciate your point of view...