Becoming Human Again

I always thought " I'm not one of those fat people..." and then it turns out I am.

What I'm talking about is being obese and having health issues.

I was always young and not much concerned - " Hey I am youth - immortality is my middle name !"

The only time confronted directly with it once this lady-person who knew my hubby asked if I had problems with my knees 'cause it seemed like it would be such a strain since I was so overweight. Yes the lady had/has no filter what so ever in all aspects,anyway , it hurt so much to hear such a comment , HEY I'm standing right here - I can hear you ?! what the...

The other thing that made me mad was the assumption that fat people have health issues.  I figure most do not, and if you fat AND young your health generally is the best it will ever be. But I hit 30 two years ago, of course the number does not change anything but being my age also means I have been obese now for a little over 10 years. That is a D E C A D E of fattiness. I cannot believe it !

And since approx- 3 years now I have had on/off problems with my right knee.

Right now I actually had to give up a career dream and the education for it because of the knee. My whole financial situation is hanging off a cliff about to drop and probably smash the whole base of our family. We will maybe have to sell our house, my kid has to change school again, maybe it will even end in divorce who knows... It is all too much. And all because of this stupid knee or no wait a minute. It's not the knee , it's..just there, my body is a hostage here actually.

No no It is because I was a dumb lazy cow and did't care much what went in, oh yeah I watch fat and sugar and eat my green stuff.... but it being nicer to just sit day in day out on the couch or in front of the computer doesn't help anything. It is a snake biting it's own tail , a spiral from hell ... I have problems with my knee and pain and therefor limited movement BECAUSE I am obese. And I can not change it much since I can not exercise.

Will the problems ever end ?

Now I have taken up help from a physiotherapist to figure out if there is any chance on earth to do anything at all to train the knee , or more exactly make the muscles especially thigh stronger to ease the strain on the knee. Hoping at the same time it will be a step on the road to maybe loose weight.  Because it is all connected now. The body I have paid no attention to a whole decade, the body that has been hostage in my depressive life-style now fights back and it hurts like hell. 

I don't want to die from this , having more complications , thank god I do not have diabetes (yet?) or any heart /respitoral issues (yet?)

I know the change has to happen from inside of me , I have now taken a small step together with the physiotherapist and try to ignore all the other problems connected with financial - I don't think there will be any help any where for me. There are no jobs and no benefits for me. I just hope & pray that I can keep ignoring the problems and get my knee better to be able to start another education or find a suitable job and then I hope we still have our house. I can not focus on all problems at the same time or i will fail and wish to give up my life , the pain of failure is too overwhelming. So, for the moment being - I focus. And nothing more.  Wow this is hard to even just write. mmmmmm.....

Wish me luck in becoming human again. Straining with 100 pounds overweight.

summ3r summ3r
31-35, F
2 Responses Feb 24, 2010

Powerful insights in this story. Very well written, too. Good look to you.

how about trying the 4 day diet by Dr. Ian really energizes you. You can have 2 cups of coffee 1 sweetner, 4 pieces of fruit, 2 cups of leafy green vegetables cooked or raw, 2 cups of green garden salad 3 tbsp dressing, 6 oz plain yogurt, 1 1/2 cups brown rice, 1 cup of fresh squeezed lemon juice, 1 cup of beans (chick peas, lentils etc)and 1 tsp psyillium husk. Of course unlimited water. Try cutting back a bit, also some moderate exercise...why not try yoga and pilates or even walking? Yoga and Pilates will help you to alignment of your body. I'm here for can do it little changes everyday!