Where Do I Go From Here?

I took a stand to-nite. I asked more from my marriage than what is present now. As a recovering alcoholic I realized that the stress was causing me to question my sobriety and mental health. I want more from a marriage than to settle. I want to give and I want the person who I call a partner to give back. Emotionally give back. Which of course comes to the heading where do I go from here. I can cite a million reasons not to make a change now. I am not financially secure, I am looking for a job, I am still in counseling etc. etc. etc. But if not now then how long do I wait. If I do not make a change now then I am scared of what I might become and scared too scared that I can't make it on my own. so now is the time. I wish I felt as secure as those words.

My mom used to say life is always about change so you better get used to it. What you do with the changes you make now that is the important thing. Of course I don't think Mom would be to happy to know I am quotting her now over my marriage. She passed away November 9, 2005 and yes dear Mom I still miss you so! But back to this . . . When she dying we used to talk about all the things that people talk about in a life but never get the time to. We both knew that it wouldn't be much longer and she was very peaceful and courageous. We talked about marriage and change. She says if that person walking thru that door at night still can make your heart flutter and your knees weak then he's a keeper. Life will happen around you. And remember to wrap yourself in that very cocoon when the times get rough (and they will), when you can't see how to get thru another day, when your faced with life's everending catastrophies thrown your way, then you will be safe with that man wrapped tight in your cocoon of love. And if you get really pissed at that man then get out and set the cocoon on fire :) Mom could and still does always make me SMILE.  



maxwell maxwell
46-50, F
3 Responses Jul 19, 2007

Maxwell, <br />
<br />
Are you coming back to the Loma Linda, Los Angeles area?<br />
<br />
The fires are out. <br />
<br />

Times change - people change - I know that all too well. And sometimes people aren't who you think they are - so it's always a 'beware' mentality.... Maxwell, you have support here - I will always be there when you need me...

I very much admire your courage :) And in some ways, that's the scariest thing, for the time being, at least - deciding that you MUST have change. That courage itself can't be anything but a huge resource for you - no matter what the challenges ahead, and the circumstances, you already have that courage, there for you to access. As for what is next, why not dream as large as you can? Imagine everything, everything you want in the future. And then find the most important thing, and work out how to take little steps to get there. The EP is a great place for taking virtual journeys into the future :)