Had The D-talk With Wife, She Is In Denial

So I had a talk in bed last night with my wife, and told her I am not happy in our marriage and that I want to separate and divorce. She just can't believe that I don't love her. She can't believe that I never really loved her the way a person should love another person that you are living your life with. Facts are, I never have. I don't or never did have a passion like I should have for her on many different levels. Do I love her as a person? Absolutely! Does it hurt me to see her hurt? Of course it does! Do I think this is some kind of game or that it's going to be a party now that I want to be separate? Hell, no. I heard her cry a couple of times, and she didn't sleep all night. I slept just fine. I was very, very tired, but this is what I really want to do. She is not going to make it easy on me though.

She is stuck on thinking she doesn't want a divorce. She is convinced that somewhere in there I do love her. I can tell you I don't, and I have been depressed and empty inside for most of our 20 years. Not even in the beginning did I have a passion for her like I have felt for others in the beginning of those relationships. I won't go in to why I settled in this post, and I know I made a big mistake all those years ago, but I have already worked through the guilt and regret over the past 2 1/2 years and no longer feel those things. Still it is hard to see someone hurt, but I am going to have to stand my ground no matter how gut-wrenching it is. I can't go on living in a marriage just so she doesn't suffer, even though it pains me to see her hurt. I told her this morning, "You should not be thinking in your head that this is going to work out. You are setting yourself up for a let down." I am hoping this is just natural denial. I know the anger will come at some point, but I told her, "No matter what, I don't want to see you living on the street. I want you to have a comfortable home, and I want to be a partner with you in raising our youngest (girl almost 13), and getting our daughters through college. We will be partners forever in the health and welfare of our kids and grandkids."

I am just dreading the point where she hits the anger stage. Does anyone have any advice for me in how to help her through this denial stage gently, and how to cope with the emotional tugs on me, without regressing back into the relationship out of pitty and guilt? I'll take any good advice anyone has. Check my other posts regarding divorce and my situation before giving me advice if you could (there should only be a couple stories), but if you don't have the time, that's fine. I appreciate any feedback. Thank you in advance.
justbeit justbeit
51-55, M
4 Responses Oct 8, 2010

I think the way you care about your wife's feelings is great but they are her feelings and she has to deal with them. You have no control over that. In her mind any kindness you show may come across as love when in fact its love for the sake of caring about a persons' well being and welfare. Don't send mixed signals. You are going to have to cope with your emotions. Pity and guilt are not good emotional reasons to stay in a bad marriage. I imagine she knows which button to press with you and the payoff is you stay engaged and regress. Get divorced and move on if thats what YOU want.

love2day, I have been thinking about that kind of scenario. If i can find someone she can fall in love with, then I would be helping her get past the sadness of me and all the other emotions, and then I'd be helping not only myself, but her too. Not exactly the right way to do it, but she is a tuff case. The other way is to just get myself a place to live, and talk to her, the kids, then start separating things.

I had one guy post that he checked out other people for his wife, and when he found someone she seemed to like, he made sure that they were together, as much as possible. Maybe a mutual friend. I thought it was an interesting scenerio to mention. Also, maybe it will be easier for her to move on when she does get angry, and out of the hurt stage. Good Luck Friend Love2day

My best advice is to take care of YOU. You have allowed yourself to be unhappy for many years. It is not easy to seperate, but you have to have boundaries here and let someone else in her life help her through. When she is out of the denial stage, the anger can be bitter, and people say and do things they regret. When she realizes you are leaving and it is real, the last person she will want to receive comfort from is from you. You are rejecting her. Period. I tried the same with my ex, even went so far as to say we'd always be close, maybe we should live close, etc. When she hit the anger stage, all bets were off. I was now the brunt of her anger, she felt betrayed, lost all trust and continued to rage at me. Hopefully she has a friend or family member who can support her through this.