I'm feeling so unappreciated and alone. My mom has cancer and has for the past 8 years, my dad isn't around- he left ages ago. I'm 16 and have spent most of my life taking care of my mom when she's ill. I'm the one who stays up all night making sure she's okay, I'm the one who makes sure there's food and the house is clean, I'm the one who organizes appointments and anything else that needs to be fixed.

It's not easy, especially because I have Chronic Fatigue Sydrome, depression and anxiety. Fighting through those to make sure she's okay is hard. But I do it.
My whole life has revolved around her sickness actually. She's been in and out of hospital and been really Ill for half of my life and I feel like it's changed my life to the point where I don't know who I would be without it.

She told me today that she wants to go away for a week to stay at a hospice so she can get therapy and some 'TLC', which is fine by me- it's probably a good idea. But I have no one to stay with and I can't stay alone because the place we live in always gets broken into and it's just not safe. So she wants me to stay at her friend's house, where I've stayed so many times before.

Every time I go there I feel like an intruder, I feel like a waste of space and a nuisance. I can't sleep around other people because of my anxiety so I don't sleep and there's nothing really do to so I jut stare at the walls for hours. Last time I was there I had a little breakdown. I'm so thankful for their help and everything they do for me but I just hate it. I've kept that secret so as not to inconvenience my mom or make it harder or whatever.

Today I'm in a lot of pain and I'm very stressed and tired and she brought up me staying at her friend's and I just told her I don't think she realizes how hard that is for me and she got all angry and defensive saying I make everything about me and I don't do anything for her. EVERYTHING I do is for her and I try to not talk about myself and my problems. I didn't even tell her I was in therapy or on antidepressants because I didn't want to upset her.
I feel alone all of the time. I want someone to take care of me and make sure I'm okay for once. I want to be a little kid and I can't be. I never could.

She kept saying I was selfish and stuff and I couldn't handle it and I just asked her to leave. She said her whole had been based around me and basically that she would've had a better life without me. I know she would've but I didn't choose to be born. I try to live my life in the way that makes it easiest for her. Hell, I've never been to a school dance because I know it would stress her out. Even though I really wanted to. I feel like I've sacrificed a lot to and I feel really unappreciated and alone.

I'm very thankful for all she's done for me and I wish she would be the same. Nothing I ever do is good enough.

Sorry it's so long. I don't know who else to talk to and I really do need to talk.
skinnylittlewrists skinnylittlewrists
18-21, F
Aug 22, 2014