What You Don't Face Controls You.

I suffer from a rare form of love addiction. I guess I am most at home when suffering the loss of a love.
For the past five years I have been  grieving  the  loss of my second wife. A woman I broke up with perhaps fouteen times  before the grand finale.
Before my obsession with losing her, I was obsessed with losing  Debbie, and before Debbie Cheryl and before Cheryl, Elizabeth and before Elizabeth Bonnie and before Bonnie .....my mother.

It seems that at the root of this neurotic condition is my mother's premature death. She died the day before I turned twelve.  She died of Cancer.  She was very sick for about two years before she passed away and was in and out of the hospital.  The first time I heard the word Cancer to describe her condition was only a few months before she died. They didn't allow for visits from children in those days and when I finally was able to see her she was yellow. That was when  I realized that she was seriously ill  but was told her condition wasn't fatal.

A few months later my father came into my room to tell me my mother died.  I pulled the covers over my head and tried to pretend that I didn't hear what he said.  The funeral that followed and life after that all seemed so sureal.  I remember seeing her in the streets and at the grocery store and in recurring dreams. I guess I just couldn't accept that she was dead. Life was blurry and I felt a big empty space until I met my first wife.  A woman who looked like my mother. My reason to marry her was to fill the hole in my heart  but when she was week and unable to nurture me I returned to being  the motherless child and destroyed that marriage by falling in love with another  woman who looked like my mother and was able to nurture me for a while.  And so the cycle continued with my failed marriage to my last love who also looked like my mother.  I am very sick of this cycle and sorry for the pain it causes those I feel I love. I am hoping that by recognizing where the original loss lies I will be able to end this pattern. I have been reading up on co dependency and learning how to be happy with myself first.  

My mother is dead.  She was a wonderful loving woman and I am thankful for the years I had  her in my life.  I did need her when I was a child but now as a self sufficient adult I can face life with out her. I can accept her death and move on.

Thanks for listening


OKook OKook
2 Responses Jul 26, 2010

Thanks Abby, sorry about the loss of your father.

Reading about co-dependency sounds promising. One thing that struck me while reading this is that the women are supposed to fit a role, but because they are all distinctly individual, they won't; they can't measure up. It must be very painful to try - fail- try - dissolve... I wonder if at the root of it, you may need to accept your mother's death and really allow yourself to grieve to let go. My father died a few months ago, and it must have been traumatizing to have your mother die of illness so young... I have been writing reams; pages, and pages both to my dad and about him...