Betrayed..

My senior year I went through a bad break up. I cheated on my boyfriend with my best guy friend and in the end i lost them both. The two most important people in my life at the time. After losing them, I decided to just live it up. Party and drink to the extreme. Forget about it.
This last summer, i was hanging out with a friend of mine. He and I went to the movies then to his cousins house to drink. I drank way to much. We went back to his house and he let me have his bed. His other cousin was staying over at the time and i knew him from high school. I was laying in bed crying because i felt as if i was going to vomit. My friends cousin came in and began to brush my hair back. My body felt paralyzed like I couldn't move a muscle. My mind was reeling. He tried to kiss me. I let my head fall to the side to move my mouth and said "no.." He began putting his hands all over my body and up my shirt while i continuously kept saying "no. no. no." over and over again. And, each time he replied with, "it's okay." I knew he had a girlfriend i said to stop because of her but he kept going. I was frightened and wasn't sure what to do. I couldn't think straight but all i knew is that i didn't want that to happen and i wanted to sleep more than anything. He unbuttoned my bottoms and i kept my legs closed tight but he pulled them apart.
He had my shirt pulled up and kept trying to kiss me, but not once did i EVER kiss back.. Once my shorts were down, he pulled out his penis and tried to penetrate me. I was on my period at the time and once he realized i was on my period I guess that was enough to make him back off some. He stood up next to the bed and his penis was level next to my face and he kept pushing my face toward it. When i tried to turn he help my shoulder down. I didn't want to! He then stood there and jacked off until he ********** all over my breast. He wiped some off quickly but left some there. Pulled my shorts up and went back to the other room.
I laid there for an hour trying to sober up. I cried, harder than i ever have before. I had no clue what to do but I knew i had to leave. I felt disgusted, betrayed, filthy and unclean. I felt violated and disrespected! How could he do that to me? Did i do something to him to make him want to hurt me? All i asked was, why? Why, why, why?
I drove until i found myself back at my girlfriends house that I had been staying at. We sat for hours while she patiently waited for me to explain what had happened. She took me to the police station where i filed a report and gave them my clothes to look for any remaining ***** on my clothing. They also went and arrested the guy. The concept of trusting someone went completely out the window.
Months have went by and I've only met with the prosecuting attorney once. In a way I thought that I had brushed it off of my shoulders and moved on until I decided to write a paper on the punishment of rapist for my English final. I still feel violated. I still feel disgusted and it's still harder than it's ever been to trust a new person in my life no matter what they say their intentions are. I want him to know what he did was wrong. I told that guy no. I pulled away and did what I could at the time. I gave not one indication that I wanted him to do what he did to me.
This is the only time i've wrote my story out besides my statement at the police station and it's still very difficult for me to do. I don't want to relive this moment over and over until he's in jail. It doesn't seem worth it, but i know in the end it will be. I just have to be strong.
I know now that I also have many people standing behind me helping me through this and that I don't have to deal with it alone.
princess12612 princess12612
18-21, F
Dec 8, 2012