Clearing The Air (WARNING: LONG Story)


Over the past few weeks, there has been a fair amount of rumor and gossip regarding my relationship with snowbunny1002, and related events connected to some of our friends.

This story is my attempt to fill in gaps in the information that has been circulating on EP, and set the record straight regarding the circumstances leading up to and surrounding these events.

For the past couple of years, snowbunny and I have had a very strong relationship with each other.

This relationship has been founded on strong values such as affection, friendship, trust, and a very strong loyal connection to each other.

Over the past few months, this loyalty has been tested and undermined by someone who we both thought was a good friend of ours.

For a long time, this person held me in a very severe state of disdain, and was waiting in the wings looking for the first opportunity to undermine me, so that she could cut me out of her own friendship with snowbunny.

While this was unknown to me, this person made a point of being very friendly and personable on the surface to me as well as snowbunny, leading me to trust her far more than I should have, even as she felt very differently towards me on the inside.

This led to her telling me a series of lies and half-truths about how snowbunny had been talking about me behind my back (untrue), and that certain other friends of snowbunny's were not really supportive of me, despite them seeming otherwise (true).

This recent barrage of undermining unfortunately happened to coincide with a difficult period for our relationship, stretching things to the breaking point.

This was where I made a significant mistake, and one I will regret for the rest of my life:

I took on board and trusted this person's word over snowbunny’s. When I asked snowbunny about the talking behind my back, she denied it, and I doubted her words.

To this point our relationship has always been based on mutual trust.

Yet I chose to believe in someone that had infiltrated our relationship with her own agenda.

My biggest fear has always been that snowbunny's close friends would push her into a situation where they would have to choose between me and them.

I have always made it clear that I would not be drawn into such games and drama, and that if there was ever a problem with me that it should be discussed between me and snowbunny, and nobody else, as, frankly, what goes on between the two of us has always been our business, and nobody else's.

This misplaced trust led me to share things with this person I wish I had never revealed.

I was so convinced of snowbunny's disloyalty, that I even lied and said things hurtful to her, many of which were terrible, and in many respects unforgivable.

This painful experience was further drawn onto EP as this other person confessed all of the details to snowbunny in an attempt to be "honest" about it, leading snowbunny to confess these details publicly in a story that everyone could see.

This story has since been removed by snowbunny herself.

During this time, this person also confessed/revealed publicly through various methods that all that mattered was what she considered to be the "truth" of the matter, and that she was "innocent" in these proceedings from a relative standpoint.

Not once did this person express any true or sincere regret, shame, or remorse for the things she had done or the troubles she had contributed to and help cause, whether that affected me or snowbunny.

Once the full truth of the matter came out, snowbunny and I continued to talk with each other, in an attempt to at least understand what happened and why.

During this process, I made it very clear to snowbunny that if she wished to never speak to me again, I would completely understand and give her as much space and support as she needed and/or wanted.

Several things have happened to us both as individuals and as EP members during this process:

1. Both of us now know who our true friends are here, as they have generally tended to be those who believe in both of us.

We are very grateful for their support and understanding.

2. We have both lost connections with those who have been unduly critical and harsh with us, thinking their opinions are more important than ours.

This is extremely unfortunate. A few friends of snowbunny's in particular threatened to sever ties with her if she did not throw me overboard, before even bothering to ask why we have elected to continue speaking with each other, or to consider asking for surrounding details, which we both would have provided.

3. We are both very protective and supportive of each other as true friends, and far more so than before.

During this process, I was the first to strongly suggest it would be better for snowbunny to not remain in touch with me, not just because anyone thought so, but because that was what I felt was truly right.

Snowbunny and I have argued quite strongly with each other on this, and I have remained by her side, not because of any sense of obligation, but because I truly wish to do so.

This does NOT absolve me of the consequences of my actions. I have only recently begun to feel able to forgive myself to the point where I have been able to ask for snowbunny's forgiveness for what I have done.

4. When these events occurred, I was in a very different place mentally than I would be under more normal, conventional circumstances.

I allowed myself to believe that I was being betrayed by the person that I loved, even as someone who had built up a false sense of trust was undermining our relationship and rocking it to its very foundations.

For those who are aware of what happened between the participants, it should be made clear that I told this other person that I would not be surprised if there was no interest in me being returned, despite being egged on to reveal my interest in other people on EP so that she could rat me out to snowbunny at the first opportunity.

When this person discovered that my interest lied with her, as she was the person supposedly "supporting me" in providing what were essentially false truths, she changed her tune in order to fulfill her own fantasies, having been denied similar fantasies from other EP members on a number of occasions.

This other person continues to find ways to hurt and harass snowbunny through mutual friends sharing half-truths or down right lies in an attempt to get her to ‘see’ her version of the truth.

These things continue to hurt snowbunny even as time progresses.

This person apparently feels that she can run down either me or the relationship that snowy and I both share in order to convince snowbunny to remove me completely from her life so that at some point in the future, she can take a run at restoring a conventional friendship with her.

5. This person needs to be made aware that regardless of what happens with snowbunny and me, that snowbunny has no interest in resuming any sort of friendship of any sort with her given what happened.

No amount of story-concocting or truth-shaping can change the simple fact that this person totally undermined our relationship right from the beginning, and used freely provided information from both of us to question both ourselves and each other.
Indeed, with friends such as these, who really needs enemies?

6. I have apologized to snowbunny, asked her forgiveness and am trying to make peace with myself.

Those who know me and know me well are no doubt aware that I am my own harshest critic.

While it is true I was not a good S/O when these events occurred, nobody is ever truly perfect.

There were a number of things that both snowbunny and I could have done to have helped to prevent such a situation, had we known of any potential threats to our relationship ahead of time, but as we all know, hindsight is always 20-20.

7. My loyalty and devotion remains to snowbunny first, and nobody else.

I have always been snowbunny's friend. These events have truly tested us, to the point of almost complete and total destruction, not only of our relationship, but our friendship.

If there is one thing I have learned from this situation, it is that you can never truly be on guard enough nor loyal enough to the person that you love or care for, either as a friend or S/O.

If you have love for someone, it has be total, it has to be complete, and it must be always vigilant against such attacks. It is truly sad that EP has become a petri dish for these kinds of things.

8. I am more loyal and protective of snowbunny now than ever, and I do so completely with the knowledge that she may not wish me to be with her any longer for whatever reason.

That decision has always been will always be hers to make, one way or the other.

Should this ever happen for whatever reason, we have both agreed that we will remain connected friends but that we are traveling now with expectations that are driven solely by ourselves, not by anyone else, be they best male or female friends on EP or anywhere else.

9. I intend to remain relatively silent on EP for a little while longer, so I can fully absorb and appreciate the lessons from what I have done.

I have said little here since this situation has first emerged. A lot has largely been due to the fact that I honestly had little more to add to or say that would help the situation.

The last thing I wanted to do was start any kind of flame-war or he-said/she-said scenario, as we all know where these things go.

And by the way, that's not a bad thing. If people thought about what they were saying and the effects they would have on other people before saying them, EP would be a much better place.

There have been a lot of righteousness and justification attacks going on lately on the Experience Project.

There is no real justification for running people down for ANY reason, because what does that accomplish in the long run?

Truth is almost always more complex and multifaceted than we think, and is not easy to grasp.

I hope our friends and others on EP can understand, appreciate, and learn from this.

10. I am sorry for those who may have inadvertently gotten dragged into this situation due to my actions.

One good EP friend of mine I PMed in an attempt to try and get some clarity injected into this situation.

I need to her to know and recognize that when this happened, I was not in a good place, and I am truly sorry for involving her in this situation.

I was reaching out to anyone who I thought would help, and it was a bad call. I am so sorry for that.

I can only hope she can understand I was not in a good place, and that she may one day forgive me.

11. I am sorry for what has occurred and the hurt and pain I have caused to the special person in my life that has always loved, cared for, supported and believed in me. I know there are things I have done and said that I will never be able to take back.

All I can do is learn from this experience and try to be the best person that I can. She has always inspired that in me and I hope
always will.

As for the two of us as a couple, all we can do is trust that people read things carefully, talk to people on numerous sides, and make their own informed decisions in terms of what they feel to be an opinion regarding what happened.

12. I know that some of our mutual friends may understandably feel some anger, bitterness or resentment towards me regarding how I handled this situation, one which I have acknowledged was not good, and am still trying to fully forgive myself for.

All I can say is that I have asked snowbunny for forgivness for my actions and I realize this is something that is going to take some time to completely heal.

At the moment, snowbunny and I remain connected to and devoted to our journey together.

How that plays out will be up to us, and nobody else.

I hope this story has helped to shed some light on this situation, and that we can all work towards closing the door on what has been a very difficult and challenging time for us both.

Thank you all for listening.


marcus101 marcus101
36-40, M
5 Responses Jul 14, 2010

Marcus101- <br />
Thanks for adding your side here, as we each have one. I know it wasn't easy considering all everyone has gone through. I think it took a lot to stay silent for the time that you did and you should be allowed to express your side of things. People will form their own opinions based on fact, heresay or whatever. I don't want to sound like a teacher but I hope all involved have learned something along the way. There are a lot of quotes I could put in here but I won't bore you with those. <br />
My wish for you is love, happiness and peace. I hope one day you can forgive yourself and you have a sense of peace. I know it may seem difficult right now but as they say time heals all wounds. <br />
As the future progresses it is my true hope that you will be true to yourself, not take things or people for granted and look at what is in front of you instead of elsewhere. Those are the things/people that are important. People make mistakes, no one is perfect. I certainly am not nor have I ever claimed to be. But just because you made a mistake doesn't mean you are condemned. Learn from it, move on and be a better person for it. YOU can do it!! :) <br />

Thank you all for your comments. <br />
<br />
Iza: You more than most people here understand the situation and the ramifications of that better than many probably would. <br />
<br />
I make no bones about it: I am certainly NOT proud of what I did, but I had a weak moment, as many others have had in their lives. Whether or not others get the EP pinata treatment is a matter of debate, but that is certainly something I would never wish on anyone, no matter what they did.<br />
<br />
Thanks for helping me to keep a sense of perspective and honesty regarding all of this. I can sincerely say I'd probably be a basket case if you hadn't been there for me and snowy.<br />
<br />
Angel: Yeah. It was a long post, a bit longer than I had expected. Let's just say it might serve as a bit of a 12-step program for me, if not for some others maybe. <br />
<br />
Snowy is my first priority, pretty much everything else takes a backseat right now.<br />
<br />
Smugit: You are officially our guardian pug. Thanks for being there for both of us! :)<br />
<br />
Sweetandshort: You and I have been discussing this situation ever since it first broke, and you also know first-hand what it is like to go through a difficult relationship situation, no matter what the details are or were surrounding it. <br />
<br />
I completely agree that I took much for granted and acted terribly and foolishly. <br />
<br />
I pay that price every day but that also makes me that much more determined as this all shakes out. I am also very aware that there are few if any guarantees in life, but we have to work with what we have.<br />
<br />
Sugar: Thanks. I hope we can stay in touch and be friends. I have always been in your corner and supported you, and any advice and support you can offer would be humbly appreciated.<br />
<br />
sashamarie: Thanks for your kind words. When one goes to the source, it's often surprising what turns up. Many things are not as they seem, though I wil be the first to admit that can also apply to me as well. <br />
<br />
eternalhope: An EP break, haha, LOL, that would be nice. I am taking EP in kind of small doses at the moment. As to snowy, I think she is doing much the same, but she loves the site and so I can't imagine her being away from it for very long. <br />
<br />
sparklingdiamonds: agreed. It would have been nicer if things hadn't degraded to schoolyard playground name-calling, as it has in some posts. <br />
<br />
Everything I have put into this story in terms of where other people have been coming from is all true and can be confirmed and bona-fided by many here.<br />
<br />
all1rog: I'm hoping that the drama is pretty much over. <br />
<br />
I think snowy's most recent story regarding all of this should help to close the door on this one for good. <br />
<br />
Time will tell if others take her words and her position to heart, rather than drag everyone through the mud for a few more rounds to make their point(s). <br />
<br />

I have read another post from snowbunny and seen the way you both interact through the comments in that story. I was touched by your relationship and I'm sorry you both have had to go through this.<br />
I'm sure you both will work this out if you are committed to it as you seem to be. You are on the right track. Take a break from EP and regroup. I wish you both the best!

Yes, you should have asked snowbunny, snowbunny Loved & Trusted you with all her Heart & Soul. She is a good woman and has cried many a tear, but she is very strong & will survive. You & I have both made mistakes, & have admitted them. We all make mistakes, I take a group of non- violent Inmates out on a work detail daily & I look at it that everyone makes mistakesThere are so many people on EP that are just that ,.. people, not friends, don't care if you are Happy or not

I am not here on EP to judge anyone. drama is not my thing so I am here for fun and to laugh and smile. if you are in a place that makes you both happy, then that is and should be all that matters.