A Lifetime Shoved Into 16 Years

I've recently been thinking about my life in general and the big things that have happened and it's fairly depressing.

My life in a fairly big nutshell;

I was born into a loving family with a half brother who didnt know his father, a depressed mom and an alcoholic, abusive dad. Until i was 7, i was mainly raised by a nanny when i wasnt in daycare or school. I was sexually abused as a child. My parents seperated when i was four because of it and i haven't seen my father in eight or so years. I had started to think that as a young girl i had lied about the abuse but then i read some papers that i took from my mom's legal achives and found out that i had for a fact been abused. Last year my mother was talking to me and asked me a hypothetical situation. If i were to be terminaly deseased, would i want to see my father one last time. I said no because i had a steady enough life at that time to not need to see him. Two days later when i got home from school, she sat down on my bed with me and told me that my father had died. I told her that she had meant to say that if he were sick, would i want to see him. I would have said yes in a heartbeat. She still thinks she said it right. I have to live with that forever. I have a boyfriend and friends, but none of which can be a whole support net. My boyfriend, shawn, who is loving and carring is also a gorophobe, and has made me into one (not intentionaly) but not leaving home to go do anything and barely talking to his family members. He is oversensitive and hard to deal with but i love him, so i cant bear the thought of leaving him. When my father died i was forbiden to go to his funeral. i was not in contact with his side of the family. i was told things like "you wont be automaticly welcomed there" and "your father wasnt the best of people, i dont think you should go" to make me not go while they pretended the choice was mine. to make it seem even more like the choice was mine, but making it impossible to go, they said things like "go, but im not going with you" making it so i couldnt even get there. everyone is reluctant to tell me where he's even burried. 

Back to the papers i mentioned earlier, when i was looking through them, i learnt that over the last few years, my father had been permited to write me letters but that was the only form of contact allowed.

Last year i was also part of a teenage love triangle including myself, my best friend and my current boyfriend. short version;

she loved him, he loved me, i loved him, they were together because she love him and he wanted to make me jealous so i would tear them apart, now my best friend and i are barely friends more like aqquaintences and him and i love each other.

I dont remember alot of other things right now but thats about it.

I feel good to share it.

Corroded Corroded
18-21, F
Mar 10, 2009