Falling Apart...

I am 40 something year old female. I have been with my husband for 15 years. We have 2 children together, my daughter is 12 and my son is 5. I don't even know why I decided to come on this site, I am a very private person but I am fast becoming unhinged. So I figured, that maybe it is a good idea to humble myself and leave pride behind, so that I can seek some relief.
My plan is to find a therapist but I never quite get to the next step. I really do not know where to start, so I will begin with the latest situation.
My deep depression began when I found out in 1999 that my mom had Alzheimer's. In 2007 I gave birth to my son and that was also the year my mom started to go downhill fast. By the time 2009 came, I had to make a difficult decision and I had to put her in a Nursing Home. Six months after that she past away. The guilt has consumed me since.
While I was taking care of my mom, my neighbor, who was probably the sweetest, kindest person I knew, threw herself from the roof of our building on Wednesday. She was the only person who took care and helped me with my mom and for that alone, I loved her! I cannot get that image of her laying on the ground, she was still breathing after falling 7 floors. All i could think was how i could identify with such anguish and despair and it scared me to my core.
I have suffered from depression all my life, mainly because I had terrible things happen to me. I have made bad choices in my life, and some of those choices have come back to haunt me. I just want to feel like myself again. I want to laugh and not cry. I have no outlet, my husband is a perpetual child, who couldn't take care of himself if he tried. He is emotionally abusive, although he would tell you that he is not! We are still together because without me, he is lost! I stayed because of financial reasons and for the kids.
Now, the situation is serious. I am otherwise a very stable, calm, patient person but lately, I scream at the kids, I am distant and they have come to me and told me so. That hurt me! I feel like I would just love to be balled up in bed and not do anything. I cry on a regular for no reason, my blood pressure has reached crazy heights...168/111- I could go on and on with all the symptoms, I just want to feel normal! I want to stop feeling confused and sad. My friend dying in such a horrific way, has left me numb and confused!
earthstar63 earthstar63
46-50, F
Jan 20, 2013