Fitting InEver since I was a little girl, all I ever wanted was to belong and my life has been anything but. I am not going to go back in time cause I have learned to make peace with that. The last ten years of my life have been very frustrating. Many things that I wanted I didn't get. Now I know that you can't always get what you want and that life can be unfair but having depression affect many areas of my life is not something that I am ready to accept. I hope by writing this letter and confirming it to the world that I will be able to make peace with this ongoing nuisance in my life and find a way to move forward with my life.
If you were to ask me ten years ago what I wanted to happen for myself in my thirties, I would have told you that I would like a house, a car, a happy marriage, two kids, a solid career, financial stability and a degree from the University of the city I live in. Fast forward ten years later and I am not living in a house, I don't own the car I drive, my marriage is okay, no kids, no financial stability and no solid career just a pile of jobs that got me skills yet I never moved forward in any of them. So I can safely say that I had tried and failed in that area a few too many times.
I have to face the fact that career wise I don't fit into to your day to day 9:00am to 5:00pm world long term. I hate to say this but it is true. I work differently not worse but differently and that doesn't work in the public eye. I work hard but then since I accomplished so much in a short period of time I don't have much else to do so I pace it. Yet my work is inconsistent cause of many factors depression, my stress management, my asthma, my adhd, my way of looking at life, my time clock and peak times of productiveness that keep changing on me. I sleep 7 to 8 hours a day but there are days where I can barely function and the constant stream of negative thoughts which becomes extremely distracting during work is harder to ignore. During this time where I feel at my lowest I my productivity goes down and it is harder to smile it is like I need someone to hold my face up keep it there.
Some people say just smile and work hard and then everything will be okay, but what if those two simple things for most people are two of hardest things for me to do? It doesn't feel natural for whatever reason and I can fake it but only for so long. Not to say that I don't smile just that I am not consistent with my smiling or my productivity. Two things that on a day where I am not affected by my depression is really easy to do, but mix that up with PMS and my depression goes from mild to borderline severe. I can't feel any joy I am not getting enough of those endorphins to produce that feeling of well being and that last just long enough to affect my work.
Some people say to own your own business, do contract work or work at home but even if this was the better option it is not necessarily easy to do and it is easier to fail in plus there is still that critical side of me that says if I can't last at a job permanently what makes me think I could own my own business????
I am a creative type and that is not an excuse it is a fact the fact is I work best when I am creative. I love the performing arts and it lifts up my spirits when I do a play or take a film class yet what makes me think I can even earn a living doing this. Sometimes I think plan for my life must be a joke cause depression doesn't seem to go with anything and performance arts is a fickle business. Even if I am thinking of working locally, only a few make it and I think I would have known by now that it was to be my destiny if it was. Instead a broken heart is what I have left from all of this. The worst part is, is that I have tried so many different careers while trying to pursue my dream and even gave it up but the passion for performing arts is still just as strong if not stronger. Passion won't earn a living and I am done trying to fit in to the normal mainstream. I don't want to be different, maybe I would be more accepting of myself if something good came out of being different, but all I feel I have gotten at this moment is pain, rejection and disappointment from family and friends. So much for blending in and being accepted.
Now in my thirties I wish I knew what I know now then I could have saved myself allot of heartache and pain. It is too late now to start trying to make a career out of acting dare I say it? I would it for free as long as I had a job to support it but I get the feeling I am doing something wrong like I am supposed to be taking a bigger risk. How can I take a big risk when I have taken little risks and failed. I had my plan and it didn't work out. I just wanted to have a normal job with a family now since I would have spent my twenties performing. Instead I trained in my twenties in the performing arts- singing and acting but I wish I could have done more instead of working at these other jobs- office, retail, bank and trying to turn them into a career. Maybe I could have made some money and be further along.
Now I feel I am just blabbing to get this off my chest so this is my point. Too afraid to risk so much to go after my dream so do I allow myself to keep getting odd jobs while doing my dream or do contract work while trying to follow my dream? At this point I have nothing to lose. :(