I've Taken A Monopoly On Misery

I guess it is a little like making 'war on terror'. I've come to the realization that it doesn't stop. Hope is the lie that makes a few moments out of every year bearable. The rest of it is a big suffocating joke.

I didn't realize when I was born that I had taken out this overabundant profile of shares to sadness. A little over a year with people who cared, before life changed. The only adult that adored me died, and a brother with serious needs was born. Which left me at the mercy of anyone that could watch me for many years. A lot of unfortunate things happened in that time. Cast off child handed off to anyone that could take her for a while. ANYone... I tell you, should not be a choice. Though if you are here, sad as well I'm just preaching to the choir, aren't I?

This did not translate into a youth with a strong personal sense of self. Also didn't help that I learned to be stone when I should have learned to cry. But why bother crying when no one EVER comes to save you? The best you can hope for is by NOT crying, they loose interest and leave you alone. I say you, but I mean me. I never learned to ask the right people for help. The ones I did only covered things up. They should have been the right people. They should have been looking out for me. But they didn't care about me. They cared about themselves/their own children/having to deal with 'it'.

My teens were self-medicated, and then my moneyed distant relatives decided I should go to college and pushed me there. I did a requisite two years, without half as much help as I was promised, financially. I certainly wouldn't have gone if I'd known they'd 'forget' to pay my college loans. But damned if I wouldn't see though what they made me do.

Then I got married to someone that made me smaller inside. Little by little, bit by bit he strangled off what little I had that made me something. I gave it away. It wasn't his fault as much as mine.

Abandoned, abused, raped, lied to... that is me. After over 35 years I have nothing but pain to show for having lived, and a child that is for reasons I won't even begin to go into- difficult.

I'd very much like to abandon the world, but I'm not much for doing to others what has been done to me. Though I fear most that even just being near other people poisons them, somehow. With whatever this is that I have. This magnet for awfulness. I can't leave anyone else to clean up the mess that I will become, one day. I just haven't figured out how to get free of pain without setting a very, very bad example for my child.

I already know no one will have an answer for me. I don't really know why I bothered except for something like catharsis. Which is also a joke. Like hope. It exists as wisps of smoke.
sadtruth sadtruth
36-40
Oct 11, 2011