I Have Leukemia..not Sure How To Take It

I am 34 years old, mother of 4. In July of 2010, i was diagnosed with CML, a type of Leukemia. The first week i spent crying and praying to God that it was just a mistake. Upon further testing, it was true..i had it. My children seemed very hurt and disappointed in the beginning. As time went on it seemed like everyone felt sorry for me and always tried to baby me. I let it happen at first, but then i got tired of that. Finally i just acted like nothing was wrong whether i was hurting or tired or sick. I didnt want to deal with the fact that i was sick.

Mind you they found it early enough that for the moment my body is in remission and the only thing i have to do is take a daily pill. The pill is a chemo and radiation pill. I will say that i am in remission. I guess im writing this..because i am failing my self and my family right now.

I havent done exactly what i need to do as far as everything. I dont take the pills regularly like i am suppose to. I have purposly missed doctor appointments cause im scared that i may have relapsed my body back into the Leukemia. I have noone that i can really talk to and confide to in this.

There are many reasons that i need to do whats right for me and them. I can live a very long time with these pills. As long as i continue taking them the right way. But its a mental thing that im still dealing with. No one in my family or any of my friends know..that i cry every day over this. I ask why me? What did i do that was so wrong? Now no man will ever want me or love me? My ex treated me so bad after we found out i was sick, so i divorced him. Well one of those question i got a great answer to. God sent me an amazing man who after i told him, he said he still loves me anyways.

I guess im wondering, if any one reads this...what do i do from here? Who can i turn to? I dont know who to talk to and im not sure how in the hell im suppose to feel. I dont want my family to worry so i dont put them thru this.

If any one reads this and can offer advise i would greatly apprecitate it. Im not sure just what to do. I could say that i am very scared cause i know im gonna die and if i dont straighten up and get help that day will come sooner than i know.

Thanks for taking time to read this.
brandy341978 brandy341978
31-35, F
4 Responses Sep 12, 2012

This is going to sound weird...but I need you to do it. Watch "The Secret". You should be able to get it pretty easily on download. I did. That's what I live my life by now. If you truly believe, it could save you. I'm not kidding.

And by the way, I am so truly sorry.

I want to say thank you to all of you for the kind words. Its not that i dont want my family involed i just dont want them to have to go through the same thing im goin through. I dont want them to have to worry and cry and always wonder will i be ok or will i die. Noone should have to live like that and i refuse to make my family have to go through that.

I didnt think of it that way. Your right. Cause feeling guilty, knowing you could have done more, and wondering why you didnt see it, is some of the worst feelings that you could ever have. I would rather them worry than to beat them selves up cause they think they didnt do something right. Thanks.

thanks

Brandy, I guess my best advice is to realize that every day is a gift...and you need to look at it that way. Our gift in life is to live everyday to the fullest and enjoy with no regrets. You need to deeply search and maybe finding a good professional to talk with and realize what a wonderful gift you were given with a second chance at life!

Hey Brandy... I'm just excited and delighted to be able to write you... when I read your opening - July 2010 - I immediately went to your post date, and so was relieved and heartened to see this is a current post. So, that's my initial emotional reaction, and I don't even know you. <br />
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What I do know is that I lost my father to leukemia in about 3 months from diagnosis to his death. I also worked with a colleague, actually replaced him initially so that he could fight his leukemia, then he was re-instated a year later and retired about 8 years after that and I believe is still living with his family.<br />
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This is not about anything you did or didn't do. You have an incredible opportunity, and I encourage you to accept this gift and run with it. <br />
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Finally (and it doesn't have to be finally if you choose to message me), my father had successfully battled cancer 35 years earlier. When my father was dying he shared with my mother that he had never lived a day without having a fear that cancer would return (and my father wasn't a fearful man, but one who celebrated life publicly and as a community leader.) So you're not alone about feeling deeply troubled and afraid. This is normal. I hope you find this new man, or others in your circle, that you can at least confide in or count on for support.<br />
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You're special just because you're here. Please look after yourself.<br />
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Thinking about you and hoping for you...<br />
Max