Boy, Am I Going To Regret This...

I haven't mentioned very much about my sexual side here on EP. I suppose I have been treating it as an internet taboo, but **** it, I am here to get things off of my chest, and refuse to let cyber perverts ruin another decent site for me by making me feel inhibited. So, everyone ready?

Yes, I am a virgin, quite unwillingly yet still very much so. But that does NOT mean that I have never had an ******. Spiked your interest now, haven't I?

Let me just come out and say this: I have been ************ since the age of 6.

I can't exactly say how it started. I have always been well aware as to what exactly sex is, maybe not completely clear all that time about the guidelines of contraception, but I knew where the penis went and that it was meant to feel pleasurable.

As a child I received mixed messages as to how to deal with sex. My family was religious and very hush-hush, yet often times I would walk downstairs or into the bathroom, kitchen, or any other semi-public area, and my parents would be humping like rabbits. Did I mention that they were divorced at this time, and I had been living without a father-figure most of my life? Needless to say, it was all very confusing.

An older sister of mine had a child at the age of 15 and lived in the attic of my childhood home. I believe her circumstances and actions contributed to a lot of my confusion as well. I came to believe that it was only natural for every teenager across America to have a squealing infant, and my closest sister and I played 'teenagers' quite often, a game centered around caring for our baby dolls and having ‘sex’ with invisible men on our beds. We also took my older sister's ******** clothes from her duffel bag and wore them around our playroom, saying we were off to work to make lots of money. Quite sick, I know, but I haven't exactly lived a sheltered existence.

So, first sexual experience, 6 years old... I was playing with a few dolls, having them moan and rub against one another as I typically did, and felt... something. It is still hard for me to believe that, at the tender age of 6, I was turned on by a pair of Barbie's conducting my own imaginative attempt at a sex-scene, but nonetheless, I was. That is the first instance I remember.

Not long after that, I began to **********, first with inanimate objects, such as the arm of a chair or sofa. Somehow I knew never to do it in front of others, maybe because it felt wrong, dirty... but that didn’t stop me from doing it.

I used toys next. I even had favorites. After that, around the age of 7 I’d say, I began to use my fingers. I had felt pleasure before but had yet to experience an ******, and when I did, there was simply no turning back. 

I am positive that there were signs of my overtly sexual behavior that my mother chose to ignore. Once even, my sister and I were caught watching graphic **** at the ages of 7 and 9, and imitating it. My older sister had heard us, came in and said, ‘I know what you were doing in here, don’t ever do it again. ’ That was all, no report to mom… or was there?

I was never given ‘the talk’. I didn’t know much about periods until my 5th grade health class, and was somewhat of a late-bloomer. I had kissed a few boys in elementary school, always secretively; I would ask to kiss them behind a building or tree where no one could see us. But outside of that, have never actually kissed anyone. It is such an odd place to be in, almost 18, more aware of how to reach ****** then most fully-adult women will ever be, ready to have wild, passionate, and utterly meaningless sex with the next semi-decent young man that stumbles my way, and yet, I have never even held someone’s hand.

I’m confused as to how I should express my sexuality. I have never seen sex as a sacred thing, more of a dark, delicious desire that is full of experimentation. I know, it is very often ‘special’ when shared with the ‘right’ person, but as of right now, I see it as being something fun, no-strings attached. ‘Friends with benefits’ equates to perfection in my book. I know what you’re thinking, how am I a virgin physically with a mentality like THIS? lol. Good question…

Maybe it’s wrong to think this way. Maybe it will lead to huge regrets and even more confusion on my part. But that’s the way I feel, and have always seemed to feel, good or bad. I have even considered working as a call girl, and have always been fascinated by roles like stripping, prostitution, nude modeling, etc. A woman’s ability to make a living based off of her sexual appeal is quite intriguing, and wouldn’t put it above myself to do something along those lines. Honestly, I see no problem with it… terrible, I know.  

I think the cherry on top is that my family believes me to be some sort of nun. But as they say, there are no good girls gone bad, just bad girls that haven’t been found out yet… maybe I am the type that is keeping that saying alive.  

P.S.—NOT AN INVITATION. Thanks, but just venting.

deleted deleted
1 Response Feb 9, 2010

I am saddened to read about your past that has brought you to this point. The innocence of childhood seems to have been stolen from you somehow. Part of what you feel may be acting out as a result of that trauma. It doesn't lessen the feelings. Recognizing it may help you learn to control the feelings, and not let them control you.<br />
<br />
I am not going to tell you to not have sex. You will do what is right for you. I will counsel you to think hard about the decision. The two major dangers that are ignored are STD's and pregnancy. Both of those have life long consequences, and the risks are HIGH.<br />
<br />
You are also at high risk of being used by a guy. But then again, given your attitude, you are just as much using him for pleasure without commitment. One possible result is that once you open Pandora's box, let the genie out of the bottle, is that you go from 0 to 60 overnight, and don't know how to enjoy sex safely. You take risks of STD's, pregnancy, put yourself in a situation of physical harm, etc, that most people have learned to minimize.<br />
<br />
Be safe.