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Life With My Bipolar Husband

when i met my husband, he was prince charming....but think about it...isnt every new relationship just the most wonderful thing ever?? he asked me to marry him and i told him i wanted to just live together for awhile first....you know...try it out before you dive head first into the unknown. a few months after moving in together i started seeing changes in him and a commercial kept coming on about bipolar and i watched him for the clues and sure enough, he had all the "symptoms" of bipolar. i told him that until he got help, i didnt want to be around him and we separated for awhile. he called me a few days later and told me that he went to the doctor and was tested for it and it was confirmed that he was bipolar. he was given meds, for it. we got back together and things were fine unless he didnt take his meds and when that happened, all hell broke loose! i took my vows very seriously and i know that my husband is sick and i took him in sickness and health.....but now after 7 yrs of this, im at my very end. i really need to talk to someone that is in the same situation or someone that can help me get thru this before it gets worse.....i dont know if it CAN get any worse, but im at the end of my rope and im fixin to fall!!!! i dont want to be here anymore and hes pushing me over the edge.
kimberlo67 kimberlo67 41-45, F 3 Responses Dec 15, 2012

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I plan on going to find a job monday. Hes filing for disability, so the only mney we have coming in is from our kids' SSI checks and recently my 70 yr old father who i havent seen or heard from in 28 yrs moved in with us. He has heard many of our arguements and the last bad one we had i told him that we may have to move, but hes payin debts fro his last residence and doesnt have much left over. Today was the worst tho. I lost my mom 2 yrs ago and my aunt this past april and holidays are very depressing to me and when he asked me this morning ifi had figured out how to get our kids stuff for Christmas, i told him no and that i wished i could just sleep thru the holidays. Hoping for SOME KIND of SUPPORT, instead he tells me to get the f*** out! That about put me over the edge! I started thinkin about how i could just end life and what i needed to do to get my "ducks in a row". I prayed and prayed and then i got on here to find a support group or at least someone to talk to about this because i have worked so very hard to have a place in heaven and didnt want to screw that up! So, my friend, i want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for keeping me sane enough to get thru another day! I know that God you sent you to me! Thank you!

Kimberly,

My friend, I am praying for you. I'm sorry to hear about how he treated you this morning. That was unbelievably cruel and selfish. No one deserves to be treated that way.Try to keep in mind that millions of women have also gone through this and are currently going through something similar. My ex would curse at me like that also.
A caring husband would've said "Darling, it's okay.. we'll figure something out." and provided emotional support. But he's selfish. That's a big part of his disease, selfishness.
I'm really glad to hear that you're forming a plan.
In many states there are non-profit organizations for women trying to get on their feet like Washington Women In Need ( http://www.wwin.org/ ) The women there told me they help a lot of women leave their abusive spouses. They helped me while I was leaving my ex. Maybe there's something like that near you?
Btw.. you're welcome. I went through it as well so I couldn't help but to respond.
As they say.. "This too shall pass."
I'll keep popping in..

He tried to appologize....which he always does afterwards, but i just ignored him for the entire day and he KNEW that i wasnt gonna deal with him and his crap. So this morning he was the nice guy he usually is ...its weird though.....it seems that when he has his "episodes", if he goes to sleep, when he wakes up, everything is fine! So i know that if i can just get thru his rants and he goes to sleep, everything will be ok. The one thing im trying to do too is keeping my mouth shut when he starts up.....but im not one to not stand up for myself and i know too that if i argue back, it get soooooo much worse, so even though its hard to keep my mouth shut, im learning to do that. We talked today and i told him that he either gets help or im leaving and that i meant it this time. Ive said it in the past but never did leave cause i didnt have anywhere to go, but he knows that with my dads help, i can really do it this time! So he told me tht he was gonna get help and get this stuff under control.....we'll see. Hes told me that before....but im standin my ground this time. Ive been in abusive relationships before and totally lost ME, and its getting that way here, but with the Lords help and you being there for me to lean on and to let me vent, ive caught ahold of the rest of me that he hasnt gotten to and building my strength back up so that i can stand on my own 2 feet again! Thank you agian and thank you Jesus! By the way, where do you live? Im in KY.....take care and God bless you!

I hope today was better for you. Currently I'm living in Nashville. I've also been in a few other abusive relationships as well. For the past few years I've remained happily single. To be honest.. I'm scared to death to fall in love again. I used to think "What is WRONG with men!!!! They're terrible! Selfish little boys!!!" but then I started reeeeally looking at why I not only brought them into my life but why I didn't let them go when I should've.
I'm still looking into that. I ended my last relationship just past 2 yrs so I'm getting better at it. In all honesty, it should've ended after the first 2 wks. And the last time I started to date someone I DID end it after 2 wks, saying "No, I have to be single longer. I'm on another path right now." He tried hard to convince me otherwise but I cut it off. I wanted to travel and do all the things I put off for years and years, while in draining/crappy relationships.
So guess what happened??? Just like the words, "Ask and ye shall recieve" I began making new friends and reaching out to old friends... I went to Hawaii for while then a close friend/ex roommate of mine offered to pay my way to travel around Europe with him for a month and I did it. I just got back a month ago. Now I'm saving money and planning a trip to India. And trust me... I am NOT rich. In fact, I left everything behind in Seattle a year ago... job, apartment and ex-fiance... with little money. Now I'm staying withmy mother for a little while. She's happy to have me and we're getting along great.
Just keep in mind, when things get rough.. there doors waiting to be opened.
I believe it with all my heart now. When one door shuts another opens. ;)

I bet you had a blast on your trip and i have a friend from India and i hear that it is a beautiful place to see. I know that youll get there. Im still working on my plan, but its gonna take me a little while cause i dont have any family, except my alcoholic 70 yr old father....things around here have been calm, but hes also had access to pills, but when those run out, ill be on egg shells again and waiting for the other foot to drop. I guess ill just have to deal with it when it happens and keep my mouth shut! Or i could just knock him in the head with my cast iron skillet!! lol If i dont hear from you in the next few days, i hope you and yours have a very Merry Christmas! Take care and God Bless

1 More Response

i would love to leave and start over, but i have 2 ADHD kids, that are actually his, but i have raised them since they were 5 and 6 and they know me as their only mom. Im afraid that if i leave, he will not be able to raise them right and without abuse {hes already abusive to them} and the other problem i have is that im unemployed and i cant afford to leave.....how doi handle that??

I had the same problem regarding unemployment, bills, debt.. My ex made good money as a foreman and every time I truly wanted to leave I was either suddenly unemployed or back in college trying to finish. I SWEAR TO YOU... you are not doing the kids any favors by staying. My mother did the same thing.. stayed for years for me and my sister. It did far more damage than good.
This is what you will need to do... become strategic. Start putting your ducks in a row as best as you can, keep your cool, remain calm whenever he blows a fuse. Keep your head together and your plan in mind.
Pride be damned.. If you have any friends or family who can help you out financially or let you stay with them, start asking. Confide in them and ask them to keep it secret. The truth is you are miserable.
Here's your way to end the misery.
Start reminding him how much the kids mean to you, compliment them as much as possible, both to him and to the kids. Make sure the kids have your email or can reach you on facebook.
You need to slowly and quietly establish a place to go, whether it's soon or months down the road. My ex's soon-to-be-ex wife told me she had planned it for months. She planned well and trust me.. she's as happy as ever. Loving her newfound freedom. So start stashing some money back. Little by little.
I have soooo many friends who have also done this.
You can too.
Do not repeat this to your husband during a moment of weakness. You may tell yourself things will change, you love him sooooo much, things are better, etc.. but at some point down the road you will be right back here at this place again, wanting/needing to leave.
Start strengthening relations with whoever you get along within his family and/or amoungst his friends. For the kid's sake you'll need them later.
When you get the courage to leave do it as gracefully as you can..
Plan an evening when you can get him alone. Dress as unflattering as possible. Have bags packed. If you think he will try to prevent you from leaving you should move some clothes/valuables out discreetly while he's not around. Tell him something like.. "I will always care deeply for you *and the kids* but I cannot do this anymore. I have to leave. At least for a little while." (adding "at least for a little while" gets you out the door without comotion b/c he'll think there's a chance you may come back if he behaves)
Let me tell you... money is not the reason to stay, even if you're debt, like I was. When I think back... I'd rather go to a shelter or beg to stay with my grandparents out in sticks of the Appelachean than do that again. I wish I could have those years back. But they're gone forever.
Life is short. I hope you can gather the courage to get your life back.

Kimberly,

I am truly sorry to hear of your pain. So I offer you this story..

I was with a bipolar man for over 13 years, tried/did everything in my power to help him..
He was/is emotionally impulsive, psychologically/emotionally abusive and destructive. Would lose his temper over the smallest things sometimes, shouting, "**** you! What are you, stupid?!" Things like that.. Heavily drinking off and on.. And all my steadfast loyaly ever did was enable him while draining me to the point of spending years in therapy myself, taking meds for anxiety and depression, becoming suicidal myself then finally... at the breaking point, nearly 14 years down the road I gathered the courage to leave. I was spent. A sallow, worn out version of my former self wrought with stress lines all over my face and a few ulcers..
I have known him for 20 years now. We're still friends... from a distance.
He was remarried 6 years ago. I was also in a relationship at the time and we all actually became friends. My sister and I were even witnesses for them at the courthouse. He swore he was different and happier than ever... that they were a perfect fit.
One year in.. his new wife sends me an email, "Would you mind meeting me somewhere tonight, discreetly? I don't know who else to turn to who might understand. Maybe you can help me." We meet and she begins telling me all of what she's suffering, basically he was still doing the same EXACT things he did while I was with him and I told her so. But I didn't encourage her to leave. Perhaps I should have.
She left him for a few weeks right after our talk, he begged her back promising to continue with therapy.. As the years went by her demeanor began to change, her bright blue eyes became dull, when seeing her out somewhere... no smile, no spirit. He was draining her life away also. Then after 5 years of this she leaves him too, 4 months ago.
They are who they are, Kimberly. I think that deep down you know this.
Here is where YOU are the problem:
You don't realize [yet] that you deserve better.
You continue to believe or hope he will change. He is who he is.
You are fostering a victim mentality. If you're gonna be a maytyr let it be for a nobler cause than to enable an abusive "bipolar" husband.
You don't ask this this question enough.. "Why is HIS happiness more important than mine?" The answer: It isn't. You deserve happiness in this life.

*** The serenity prayer isn't just for alcoholics or religious folk. I hope that you find the courage to accept what you cannot change and go find your happiness. Leave.
Life is good... if you let it be.