Little Messed Up Girl

Alright. If you see me walking around you may think I am such a rude kid, then you know me better and think I'm super happy and cool all the time. I laugh a lot. I make jokes. I have fun. But seriously, I'm actually ****** up. My mom was never there for me. I don't even remember her in my childhood. Don't remember her helping me with homework, asking what I learned in school, asking me about my friends or anything. She would never speak to me. I had a babysitter and she was awesome. She was like my mom. She still is and I love her to death. She raised me. But when I was 8, she had to leave. She had to leave me, to leave a story, to leave.... I hate this verb "to leave".
Ok, she left me. She called me sometimes. But she stopped eventually... Things happened, I was always with someone working in my house and I would have a great friendship with all the maids that passed by my house. I had this feeling that they were like a mom to me. And here comes the worse part : My mom got a part time job. She didn't want to work that much anymore. And I didn't like it. I didn't want her around anymore. It was ridiculous. From that time and then, my relationship with my mom went from bad to worse. We would fight all the time, my grades at school would be awful, by relationship with my friends would go down.... everything was going wrong. I was alone. 15 years old, I lost my best friend, and some months later I lost my boyfriend. I loved them so much, and they left me. They left me all alone. I didn't know what to do anymore. I started dating lots of guys, going out with everyone... My mom figured it all out and we had a huge fight. She even hit me really bad. I still have some scars from that day. I got this feeling that I was alone and unsafe. I needed someone to protect me. Everything went from bad to worse. I started cutting myself. I've done it for years. I tried to kill myself with strong medicines and jack daniels. No one ever found out. I just had a stomach flu and that was it. Now, I moved to another country, but these things still haunt me. My mom will never admit she was wrong. She knows she was and now that I am far away from her, she wants me back. She wants to build a "friendship", but I just can't do it. It is ridiculous. She had so many chances. I gave her so many chances... And my dad... He is awesome, but he loves my mother so much that he doesn't see it. Or he pretends he doesn't realize it. I've been clean -without cutting- for 8 months, until last week. I get really drunk at least 3 days a week. I feel like my friends here are leaving me and I am hanging out with lots of guys again, looking for some protection, but they all leave me when they realize they are getting involved. I have no family, no true friends and no one to count on. I am on my own, and all I want is someone to tell me everything will be alright. I only want someone to take care of me and stop me from drinking, cutting and having sex all the time.
Sirenchanelle Sirenchanelle
2 Responses Jan 19, 2013

I hear you, dear!

trust no one, live for yourself and find someone worth living for