And I Thought It Would Get Better..

On Feb 14th this year I found out my boyfriend of 5 years was cheating on me with a girl from Germany. He then left me for her..
It didnt end like that though, it turned nasty. He messed with my head afterwards, and her.. They used to ring me.. He used to say he missed me, that he messed up. She used to say she thought she was living my life, that he still loved me..
I felt like my heart had been ripped out, literally, and stepped on by a stampede of elephants.. I still do..

Its been 10 months since then and as much as i would like to confirm that with time everything gets better.. It doesnt. I am at my lowest point in life right now and I have no clue how to go back.. Back to when I had self-confidence, when I knew what i wanted in life.
I am now a university drop out, who smokes and is a border-line alcoholic. I didnt have a job until last week.

Where this time last year I was in my second year at University doing a degree in Marketing/Advertising, and doing extremely well.. I am now not lost.

I think about him all the time.. I think about whether he is thinking about me.. I think about whether he is happy with her.. I think about why he did what he did..
I started having suicidal thoughts and decided i should see a therapist.. Havent decided whether it is helping or not..

I try my hardest not to portray just how badly im feeling to my family and friends. They want to help, i know they do.. But it upsets them. Especially my mum, who has been my rock throughout all this.
Ive lost friends and gained new ones.. I even had a friend with benefits..

I need help. Ive never felt so incredibly lost before.. He broke me as a person, and i really dont know how to get it all back..

LoneyHearts LoneyHearts
18-21, F
Dec 15, 2012