I Think I'm In Love With My Best Friend Colton

Okay so here's my story (bare with me) My best friend is a guy and I'm a girl. He's a nerd and he's absolutely IN LOVE with me. He would jump off a bridge to be with me. We met when I was in 8th grade and he was in 7th, I'm now in 10th and he's in 9th. One day he asked one of our friends for my number and he texted me. We started talking and then we became the best of friends. We hung out all the time and we did everything together. From the minute we met I knew he liked me, but I never thought it was so intense. I told him everything, all of my thoughts, dreams, ambitions, etc. Everything. We used to talk on the phone (when we weren't together) for hours on end. One night we were talking and he asked "-My name here- how do you tell your best friend your in love with them?" I said "You just do." He said "I'm in love with you -my name here-" I didn't know what to say because I didn't expect that. Throughout the years we remained friends and he tried and tried to get me to be his girlfriend but never succeeded. I would lay in bed at night thinking about how I felt about him, but never came to a conclusion on if I loved him as a friend or more than a friend. On my birthday the summer after 8th grade Colton came to my house along with my other friends for my birthday party. Colton was the first to come because my mom took us out to eat. Then we had a few minutes before our other friends came so we sat in my room and listened to music for a while. I don't know what caame over me but I had a sudden urge to kiss him so I did. We just kind of ignored it and went on through the day as normal. Then every time he came over we would do more things, stopping occasionally because I had boyfriends on and off. Then one day I went to his house and we were outside and I had never seen a penis so I told him to flash me his penis jokingly and he said only if you show me your boobs. I thought about it and eventually did it. Then a few months later we were going to the fair so he came over to my house and he begged me to let him finger me. I said no a million times until finally I agreed on one condition: He had to know that there was nothing between us other than friends. So he agreed and he did it just like that. Then later at the fair I met a boy and started dating him a few weeks later, and Colton cried and cried. It broke my heart to see him like that and I felt horrible. Me and Miguel dated for 8 months. Throughout the 8 months Colton and I did not speak other than an occasional hi at school. Miguel broke up with me and I'm beginning to feel like I should have never dated him. I called Colton one night on the virge of commiting suicide and he talked me out of it and we started talking again. Were best friends again but on a different level Colton now knows that I love him more than a friend also. We hooked up last weekend and we did more than kissing, but we didn't have sex. I love Colton with all my heart, but I'm not sure if this "love" is my teenage hormones or real love. I told him I don't want to risk our friendship by dating and he disagrees but still talks to me the exact same way he used to. I'm not sure if I should keep hooking up with him if I never plan on dating him. Should I keep hooking up with him or should I stop even though it will never be the same and I really like hooking up with Colton? Should I date him? I don't know what to do please help?
inlove8369 inlove8369
13-15, F
May 8, 2012