Soul-crushing Loneliness

Why, when I have friends and a loving family, do I feel so alone in this world? Connecting with people is so difficult for me, no one really clicks with me, and if they do, it is a type of person that hurts me. I am cynical about other people and very untrusting of new people.
When I started Kindergarten, I was a happy child. I made friends the first day, excited and comfortable. But as the pecking order was established, I found myself as a target for my peers to put down. I have been hit, beaten, and verbally abused by my peers. Whenever people needed me, it was only because I was diligent with my work and had good grades or they needed someone who could draw to do something for an event. Other than that, no one would interact with me unless they needed a person to laugh at. I got called fat, ugly, and gross, the boys I had crushes on joined in, and I felt truly alone.
I do not consider myself ugly anymore, but I know I'm not like other women. I'm shy and keep to myself, but sometimes I hope for someone new to come along and be interested in me.
I had a short relationship a few months back. I was convinced we were meant for each other because we would make each other laugh and we could talk for hours. We both knew the hardships of school and abuse. Without warning, he tells me that he has to house some international workers because their condition of living was crappy, and I was alright with that. Until he stopped talking to me. He stopped visiting me, everything just stopped. I would send him one or two messages every few days, but no answer. I only complained once. He drove by my house every day, but never stopped in.
I'm not a bad girlfriend, I can cook and play videogames at the same damn time without missing a beat. I'm not possessive or over-bearing, and his family really liked me.
Again, I was defeated by hope. I really thought I had someone I could trust and possibly love, but it all fell apart.
It is difficult because we have college classes together, and I'm still acting as his friend even though it rips my soul out whenever another girl talks to him. It ruins me. It reminds me of what I wasn't able to do, what I couldn't succeed at. It's been months. Am I pathetic? Probably. Should I move on? I'm trying so hard, it's physically tiring me.
I want to just move away, far away where the memories between he and I can't reach out and haunt me with their bittersweet tastes. I feel so helpless, and I don't think he would ever understand fully. In the words of a wise man, I'm never going to fall in love.
It's not even about romance. Where will I find someone, a companion, to be by my side forever and want to be there? Where the feelings are mutual and the love never stops? Where the lies don't exist?
My faith in mankind is bleak. Whenever I find a good friend, someone on the outside destroys it, leaving it ruined, leaving me lonely while others find happiness.
What should I do? Is there anyone to help me?
SaturnFrau SaturnFrau
1 Response Dec 10, 2012

This paraphrases something someone else said about love...
The reason you need to love yourself to be in a because things in a relationship happen that make it hard to love yourself.
...Your shyness and lack of self-esteem are leftovers from trauma. That happens.
...However, you're not in that abusive little fishbowl of school's time to heal, so that you won't be crippled by the past.
You need therapy to fix this. If you can't get that, I would say order a self-esteem workbook from Amazon, used...or buy a used one at a local used bookshop.
You're in college, and money's dear right now...but you need to feel better about yourself and get over your social anxiety. The longer you put this off the harder it gets.
Too, I'd suggest taking a basic theater acting class, or a speech class...either can be a hard but fast way to start getting out of your shyness.