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Hope(:

My life hasn't been anything different than anyone else's. In fact its probably very average life for a teenage American girl. My self esteem is rock bottom, i don't even know what it would feel like. I live my days in a haze, feeling compressed into a bubble of time. Time that passes so slow. Everyday is the same. Wake up. School. Go home. I have a boyfriend, i love him very much. Sometimes i can't belong to anything, straining us. I want him, no doubt. I create problems that he's never even though of. Because i feel so unimportant and alone, when its not him. Its me. Counseling didn't help, she wouldn't ever have time for me. Switching is probably a good choice, get in some more time. Time to talk, slow talking time. Happy, what? happy is a hard word to define. When you know it knew minute but the next your back to spelling it out. So strange. Its unsettling to feel that shift in emotion, especially so dramatic. happy. Sad. Happy. Mad. Sad. Mad. Happy. Hysterical. Mad. It shouldn't work like this. I should be incredibly happy, with no doubts in the world. No second guesses, or judgements, or putdowns. Only in a perfect world, right? i cant wait to feel balanced, and secure. Security would be the most intoxicating presence. Feeling right, and maybe even perfect. one day, maybe even tomorrow. Im positive i can get to that state of security.and im sure many others can as well. Feel better everyone. Love is what we make it<3
justaroundthecorner justaroundthecorner 16-17, F 1 Response Dec 12, 2012

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I think one of the most frustrating things I've experienced in my life to date is the feeling of living in what you call the "haze" and I like to refer to as "walking through the motions". I nor anyone else can guarantee that you will never experience these feelings (just a part of the human experience I think), but I can share some of the things that help me through the really bad ruts.

Perspective, perspective, perspective. Simple concepts like "I don't need any thing or event to happen to have to make me happy or complete." "That you are worthy of love and connection just the way you are". Just examples, and broad I know, but give them some real thought and it might start to make some sense.

I think first it's imperative to ask yourself the important questions (what makes you happy, why do you do the things that you do, like the things that you like, what is important to you, etc)....seems so basic but it amazes me how difficult it is for someone to answer such seemingly simple questions. The answers will hopefully lead to suggestions to remedy the "I'm wasting my life" fear. These are good things to figure out when you feel like time is crawling. Write them down.

Personally, even the self-discovery process of asking the basic questions helps. Gives direction, momentum, passion, creativity to me if nothing else. I love helping/connecting with people, no matter how routiine or ordinary my day is, if i can help or have a real conversation with one person, it lifts my day out of the ordinary.

I think the self-esteem issue deserves some attention. It's a shame that you and many other girls feel low self-esteem. First off (again perspectives) it's important to know it wasnt always likee this (skinny tall models as the sign of beauty) and it probably wont be the same in 20 years. (tastes always change) Read the Gifts of Imperfection by Brenne Brown (watch her TED talk) and A New Earth. the connection issues you are having with the bf could also be influenced by your self-esteem. it's impossible to truly connect and love another if you havent accepted and love yourself the same. cliche and stupid but true.

Hope is a good title for this because I have a lot of hope for you. I wish I had expressed these same feelings that you shared when i was your age. You will be fine, you are ahead of the curve.

Oh and one more thing, it can definitely seem like your like is average (i know you said for an american teen) but i promise, the average american teen life is a million times better than 99% of what's out there. And to think, you had just as much control of where you were born, who your family is, as the kid in the 3rd world country with no electricity. Perspective right? ;)