I Could Use Some Advice
I have wondered for the longest time what's wrong with my and why my personality is so stagnant. I hate changes in my environment or the people I know, even if it's for the better. I dislike being around people most of the time so I can count my friends on one hand, but sometimes I'm crushed under a wave of loneliness. At these times I feel like I'm shedding a shell. I'm afraid of talking to people about any problems I suspect I have because I feel like I'm being arrogant or unreasonable about my worries. My memory is beyond horrible and I'm constantly crushed under feelings of guilt for every stupid thing I've ever done. I've been told I have to forgive myself for them but I feel like my mistakes are inexcusable. I never talk very much because I'm awkward and my significant other has been trying to help me overcome my intensely low self esteem. To put it in an annoyingly whiny way, I have always loathed myself. Lately my boyfriend and all my closest friends have been on a mental and physical health kick which has only brought my intense disfunctionality into limelight. I fell that I'm being left behind and I know I have some really bad outlooks, yet at the same time I'm terrified of changing myself. I have no idea how or why or what to fix about myself, and I feel like a broken person.