It's A Matter Of Trust...

not much of a story really, but consciously being aware of my roller-coaster ride of emotions has led me with nothing to do but write a short story. i've not written much for a very long time, i used to write allot of poetry as a kid but life soon overtook that outlet. i've been experiencing my 2nd major depressive episode at 23 yrs old. i had to google an age calculator to work out how old i was because birthdays, dates and even months have always been hard to remember because of the mental exhaustion i suffer with because of being inside my own head too much. slowly i have been alienating myself because of the anxiety i suffer with in trying to control my energy in social situations. the self-hatred creeping in every so often. sinking lower and lower, whilst experiencing higher highs and constant self-enlightenment, each more profound than the last.

yet my problems are never solved. i've never openly and honestly discussed my feelings with anyone. often ideas and thoughts are met with confusion or aren't normal/acceptable. the only real therapy i have had is music.

being referred to a post-graduate psychiatrist at first, then a second encounter where i walked into a hospital after trying to OD on painkillers the week before? -i forget. anyway, i soon got out of there when i realised i would be better off at home to try and get better, as i always feel normal in between episodes.

two songs have helped me allot :
1. Jimmy Eat World - The Middle
2. Placebo - You Don't Care About Us

so my own conclusion of my symptoms is that i need to trust myself. i need stop trying to control my energies and not care if people think i'm weird, or gay, or any sort of unappealing title i come up with and trust myself.
im waiting to see a proper psyche so just killing time till then...
heroindog heroindog
22-25
Aug 7, 2010