I Am This Confused Piece Of Art.

I dont know why I am doing this but for long I have believed that I'm not doing as good as I pretend to. My outer facade completely overshadows the tides under me and thats the reason I have been trying to avoid the reality of my life : I AM A MESS !

There, I have put it and it seems a load has been lifted off my heart cause now I can accept that I AM a mess and probably depressed. I just dint want to accept it cause I dont want others to know that. See, I have always been this little strong and happy girl who can get through anything.I did get through a lot of things and I am still gonna fight my battle alone without anybody getting to know whats really going on with me because I hate when people pity me or are worried about me, I HATE IT ! But, I thought going anonymous would help me just survive better. So my story short and clear, since forever I have always been alone, I have always felt alone and there is no one who can save me. I was avoided in my class at High School; sure, I had friends but more than half of the time I spent was like a loner. Then, I thought college would change things, guess what ? I am still that lil piece of **** who everybody ignores. My heart is shouting and there is no one to listen.No one would miss me if I died.I feel so lonely in class full of room and I turn my head around I see peeps laughing and enjoying the best days of life with their group of friends and I just sit there and stare wishing I had a group too. I just have 3 people who I can call friends.


And then you have "looks" "appearance" that matters for being friends, for hanging out together, for getting into organizing committee's of our fest;;for everything. no boy looks at me twice. I dont care if I dont date anyone, I just want to have guy friends cause its easier to be with them than girls but even fro that I have to be pretty cause guys like hanging out with plain girls.No guy ever wanted me and those who even showed lil interest were not I deserved.


Back to thins thing that has been in my head for the longest time is my childhood bestfriend.We have grown far apart and it hurts cause it was nice having him as a friend.But, I have anyone but myself to blame for this , I was such fake with him and he found out, after coming in contact 7 years of growing up in different states, I lied to him abt my personality, I tried to hide who I really was.. and come to think of it I dont know, maybe, I just wanted him to like me and be my friend. I tried to be this big soccer fan and his type of music buff which I wasnt. he found out but I dint accept it and continued. I jsut thought being a tomboy will help me gain guy friends. I repeat I just wanted guy friends NOT boyfriends with who I could have fun and cool time. And fast forward, we study in same city, I have tried contacting him but he's been ignoring me and I have given up but my heart still aches. I just I wish I could turn time around and correct things or jus un-meet him ! it would not hurt soo much then, its sucks sometimes to see what I have become. I am just confused who I really I am ? I just wore a mask and now I dont know which side is real.And the I think of the reputation I have live up to cause only of that I have been able to gather relationships,only few but true , only some shades of personality is fake in those relationships. And sometimes I could say goodbye to him. Why did he turn back without saying proper goodbye, is it too much to ask for ??it sucks , okay ? to know I have been such a failure everywhere. I am ashamed of what I am and I cant let my parents see this cause they'll feel terrible abt it, which parent wants their child to be a loser in school/college and life ? I 'll be embarrassed more than I can express.I just feel I have kept it bottled for aeons and now I dont 'feel' much and its just .5% of whats there in inside me, I just dont know how to express it ? I have forgotten to express or to cry; I just have fake smile plastered all over my face.I am socially deprived too.. I am confused cause as I am writing this, I feel it cant be that sucky (defense mechanism voluntarily switches on) or even if it is, there are worse peeps than this and that **** of how I should be thankful for what I have. But its not about them, its about me.And I am shy, only book smart , may be blonde, anti social..I dont know, I never had friend I could talk to everything about because of fear of being judged and I just have problem letting people in. I cant trust them.Anyone. and all my other friends are gathering great friends, having time of their life, I hust sit alone in my hostel room and go on internet or watch TV.
I hate my life, I'd kill myself but I am coward and I still have hope that things will wot-rk out in the end and I'll tick off every wish on my bucket list. That what I am waiting for - TO GET MY WISHES DONE AND SAY GOODBYE ! but before that I want to live .. live like a King .. live the *** ou of my life so I have something to remember by ! I just want to live and feel happy ann infinite which i havent been feeling for years.i have soo much than others but materialism does not make you happy.not me. I wanna feel loved? i wanna feel alive.too much to ask for ?
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 20, 2013