The Enormous Suckitude Of Life

I absolutelly hate my life. My sister is so judgmental every time I tell her about my problems (although I'm expected to listen to her when she gets going on HER problems), my mom is a bit of an uber-optimist (she thinks that everything's going to be just fine because I'm a super-duper person) and I really have no friends to talk to because they're mired in their own misery.

I've been crying all night, because I'm just so goddamned frustrated. I've just had enough. I'm exhausted, phyically and mentally. Let's take a tally of my life. 3 kids to raise on my own, ordered $500 a month in child support for ALL of them because their father is a lying, cheating bastard. I don't even get those payments, because he just doesn't feel like paying it and the Domestic Relations office in my county just doesn't feel like making him. I spent 10 years in school getting an education (I now hold a master's degree and $80,000 in student loan debt) and I am completely unemployable, apparently. Well, not completely. The college I work at reserves the classes that don't fill up just for me, so I set aside a schedule for fall and spring, and then my classes get cancelled and I'm out of work. It's not fair, because I am a ******* good teacher and I deserve better. I'm well aware of the issue of senority, but that doesn't pay my rent, and two of the people in my department are in their 80s!! They're just there for fun!! Meanwhile, everyone else has to fight kicking and screaming just to get a paycheck, so these old bastards don't have to be bored!! But since I can't get hired anywhere else, I just have to suck it up. I didn't get assigned any classes for summer, so now I'm completely broke.

My refrigerator went to hell 2 months ago, ruined about $400 in food that I couldn't afford to replace, and I had to get a new refrigerator which cost me $500 I couldn't afford and now I'm on foodstamps. The only reason I can even get online is because I'm paid up through the end of the month. And then that's done. My car insurance is late, my electric is being turned off in a couple of days, and I've spent most of my rent money so I will probably be homeless by September. I have tried getting jobs, but there just aren't any. Not even at the Burger King or McDonald's in town. The power steering pump in my car blew this morning, so now I have no car and no money to fix it and no way to go look for a job anyway, because I live out in the middle of nowhere. The nearest public transportation is about 30 miles away. I need my car, and I just spent $500 I didn't have to get the exhaust fixed.

Have only had one "boyfriend" (you know what I mean) in 10 years. Okay, i'll just say it. I've had sex once in 10 years. Needless to say I'm frustrated AND I'm getting Carpel Tunnel. I'm overweight, so there's really no surprise there, it just sucks. I smoke, and I'm quitting, so I didn't pick up any cigarettes today, and I'm ready to go on a rampage. 

A childhood injury is coming back to haunt me; I got headbutted in 6th grade PE and smashed in a bunch of my teeth, and thanks to NO dental care coverage, they're breaking and falling out. I guess there's one bright side; it's only my molars for the time being, so no one outside my family knows.

My dad used to beat the **** out of me when I was a kid. Anything could set him off. I knew it was coming, but by that time it was too late; you knew you were getting your *** beat. One time he beat me with the belt because my sister destroyed my homework and I was crying. Last time he hit me, about 5 years ago when I was 29, I didn't talk to him for 3 years, not until my grandmother died. I've since reestablished a relationship with him, but it's far from fixed. I have a lot of hatred, anger, and resentment.

I was sexually abused by a family friend when I was 13. He was 22. He messed with my head so much I'm surprised I survived. i have suppresed most of my childhood, and by that I mean I have completely forgotten certain events and people from about the time I was 13 until I got pregnant at 16. After he "went away", I basically turned into the town *****, sleeping with any guy who showed the slightest bit of interest. Again, got pregnant at 16, and again at 19, and again at 22, all by the same worthless lowlife (not the one who raped me; a different lowlife). I don't remember much of those years either, except for the sadness, lonliness, and depression. So I've hated myself for more than half my life. Therapists are pointless and unhelpful, because all they do is try to make me see how it's all my fault, and I already think that, so why the hell would I pay them to tell me what I already know?
I hate feeling like this, because I want to be a very happy, optimistic  successful person. I know other people have lives worse than mine, but (and this is the part that I hate the most) I don't care. I just don't care about anything. No one in my life seems to think my problems are worth worrying about, because their reactions when I try to talk to them run along the lines of "Well, you have no one to blame for your problems but yourself" and "You should have thought of that before" and "What do you want from me? I have my own problems to deal with?" I can't use medication, because the last time I went on an anti-depressant, I tried to kill myself. There's really no help for me.

So, there's my experience, of someone who is completely alone, completely helpless, and prays nearly every night for God to give her a fatal aneurysm so she doesn't have to deal with the bullshit anymore.

blesseddevi blesseddevi
Jul 13, 2010