I Need to Vent
Here goes a really long story/rant that I just want to get out there. And yes, it has to do with dieting and my weight and all that. Call me insecure or too self-critical or having low self-esteem or whatever. The fact is, you're probably right and I would agree with you.
So today I weighed myself and my average for today is 144.6 pounds. That's not necessarily bad, except that it means I'm not losing weight. Last Sunday my average weight was 144.1 pounds. So apparently this week I have put on half a pound. I've stuck with my new diet perfectly this week. I just can't understand why it isn't working anymore. I didn't binge hardly at all this week, and when I did, I made sure to exercise off all the extra calories. I haven't eaten more than 1,000 calories a day unless I work it off. I have been eating fruit or vegetables whenever I'm hungry because I don't count the calories for those, that way it encourages me to eat healthier. I haven't had seconds or thirds on any meals that I've eaten this entire week. I've skipped breakfast on most mornings because I don't want to spend my calories on having breakfast. I haven't had any candy and barely any chocolate at all. I have been doing all of this for the entire week, and for the last 3 weeks actually, and now it's not working. I started this new diet on April 8 and now it's 3 weeks later and it's not working anymore. I've already hit a plateau and my body has apparently gotten used to having only about 1,000 calories a day. It frustrates me because when I started this diet, I was so happy. It was better than my old diet and my friends approved and I felt better about it. I knew it was healthier and I told myself that I was definitely going to stick with this diet. It included daily exercise and more fruits and vegetables and no overeating or binging. It was perfect! But now it's not working anymore and apparently it's still not the right one for my body. I can't understand why. I thought this was a good diet. I'm only 3 weeks into it and I've stuck with this diet much better than my old one. I've stuck with all my rules and I'm gaining weight. It just blows me away.
My previous diet I started on February 19 and it went until March 27. It was much unhealthier than this one but it gave me fast results that I really loved. With my old diet, I only got 1,000 calories a day, and that included fruit and vegetables. I truly only got 1,000 calories a day, which is not very much food at all, trust me! I was basically starving myself. I felt physically bad all the time because my body wasn't working right or anything by having to live off only 1,000 calories a day. On every weekend I would go on at least a 20, sometimes 24, hour fast where I would eat nothing and only drink water. I wouldn't exercise at all for this diet. I stuck with the rules almost perfectly. Since my body was being starved though, usually about once a week I would binge because my body was basically screaming at me to eat more food. So one day a week I would eat more than 1,000 calories a day, but not much more than 1,000, and never more than 2,000. I kept up this really bad diet for about 6 weeks and I was losing weight fast. Even with the once a week binge, I was losing weight every day. I would weigh myself every day to track how I was doing. I ended up losing about half a pound a day and about 3-4 pounds a week. Sometimes I would gain about a pound a week if my binge day had been right before my weigh-in day. But still, I was overall losing weight every day and every week. It was amazing! I know it was unhealthy, both to be dieting like that and to be losing weight that fast, but it was a great feeling! I started this diet weighing nearly 150 pounds. I was about 148.7 or so. By March 23 I had leveled out at 141.8 pounds. I kept up the diet until the 27th though because I was hoping that I would keep losing weight. But I didn't, and in fact I started gaining weight again. So I figured that my body had finally gotten used to functioning on such low calorie counts and had adapted, which is why I wasn't losing weight anymore.
I gave up that diet on March 27 and went back to eating normally. By normally, I mean I wasn't dieting or starving at all. I went back to eating 3 meals a day and sometimes having seconds on meals and I wasn't counting calories anymore and I wasn't weighing myself every day anymore. It felt good to be free and to be able to eat like a normal person again. I enjoyed for a little while, but not for long. After I felt like my body had gone back to normal, I decided that I would go back on a diet again. I could tell my pants were getting tight on me again like they used to be. So I ended up weighing myself and I realized that I had put back on all the weight I had worked so hard to get off. Now I was back to 149.1 pounds, and I had only given up my diet for 11 days! On April 8 I decided to go back on a diet, and that's the one I'm on right now. I made sure this one was healthier and I figured that now my weight wouldn't plateau like that again because it was healthier and I wasn't starving myself and I was technically eating more than 1,000 calories a day and I was exercising every day. But no, this diet actually worked for half the time that my old one did! And it's given me about half the results! I don't really know what to think about that. The first week of this diet I ended up losing 2.9 pounds. The second week of this diet I lost 2.1 pounds. This week, the third week, I've gained .5 pounds. I can't understand it! I guess my body can adapt a lot quicker this time around because it's been through a diet similar to this before, even though this one is so much healthier! I guess this still isn't the right diet for me, or I'm still doing something wrong.
I'm thinking that I will go back to eating normally for this week. That way my body will "reset" itself again and it will go back to functioning normally and my body won't think I'm dieting or anything anymore. This will help my metabolism get back to normal too, although it doesn't feel like it's slowed down anywhere near as much this time as it did last time. Then by next Sunday I will probably start back up on another diet. I'm not sure what that will look like because I haven't thought about it much yet, but it will be something. Honestly, I'm tempted to going back and starving again, mainly just because starving myself gave me day-to-day, fast results that I could feel and see. Sure, it wasn't' healthy, but I did it anyway and it worked. It's so much easier to just not eat than it is to do all these crazy other routines and follow these rules that apparently don't work for very long. All I know is that starving myself worked really well for a whole 6 weeks before my body adapted and I was losing weight fast. Also, my mom starting catching on to what I was doing the first time. But now that I've been dieting and eating less for 2 months now, she isn't very suspicious anymore. I get away with not eating very much quite easily now. So if I went on that starving diet again, it would be easy to get it past my mom. The problem is that I've already promised several of my friends that I wouldn't do that anymore and I don't want to disappoint them. I know they are concerned and don't want me to do that to myself. But it's all I know that works and it kind of felt good! It's my body, I should do what I want with it! But I know my friends only want what's best and I know they are right.
The other thing is that there's a part of me that's been wanting to go back to that diet for days now. Even now, there are some days where I go back to my old habit and I barely eat anything. It's just something that I do when I'm upset or just don't fee like eating. I still go back to starving myself sometimes. It's like that old diet has already somewhat become a habit. There's a part of me that is totally ready to do that diet again and wants to. But then there's another part of me that doesn't want to do that again because I love food and I don't want to not eat it. Naturally I'm more of a binger, an over-eater, not an under-eater. The interesting thing is that even when I let myself be free, I still want to be back on a diet again. This happened last time after I gave up my 6 week starving diet and let myself be free. My freedom lasted 11 days before I actually wanted to get back on a diet again because I didn't like being free and I didn't like gaining weight again. So now this time I'm letting myself be free and right now I want to be free. I'm looking forward to the rest of this week where I can eat foods that I haven't had in almost a month now since I've started this newer diet. But I have a feeling that by next Sunday I will want to be on a diet again and I won't want to be free anymore. It's so confusing. It's like I'm happy and want to be free, but then I regret it and want to be back under control of my diet again. I don't know what I'm going to do for my next diet this Sunday, but I will start doing some thinking now and come up with a plan. I'm sure I'll want to be back on a diet and I need to come up with something that isn't starving, but is somehow healthier than the one I was just on and will give me constant results so that I won't hit another plateau. I don't know what kind of magic diet that will be, but I've got some time to think about it.
Honestly, I'm really leaning toward starving myself again. It gave me results and I didn't mind the pain it took to do it. The pain was all part of the game. Nothing comes easy. I really want to just lose all this extra weight that I've put on in the last few months and get back down to my normal weight. But then sometimes, like now, I just want to be free and love myself for who I am and eat whatever I want with no regard to my weight. But I just can't be happy with myself for very long. Within a week I'm discontent and back on a diet because I'm not happy with myself. I'm so confused about the whole thing. My old weight, before I used to have all these eating problems, was hovering between 123-126 pounds. Even then I had a few extra pounds on me because I remember having a bit of a gut then too. My goal for now is to at least get back to about 125 pounds because I know that's what I used to be at and I was fine. But if I get there and still have some extra weight to lose, then I'll try to get to 120 pounds. I've looked online at all kinds of BMI stuff and apparently 120 pounds would put me in the underweight category. But it's right on the edge of normal weight and underweight, so I'm not worried about it. Right now I can hardly imagine being considered underweight. I know I can get back to that weight again because it's my normal weight and I used to be like that for years. The problem is that now that I've put these extra 25-30 pounds on, I can't seem to get them off, no matter what I do. I've been on two different diets now and neither of them have given me consistent results. Both of them didn't work in the long run. But my first one has worked better than this, which is why I'm so tempted to go back to it.
I just don't know what to do. I've tried starving, and it worked quite well for a long time. But I know it was unhealthy and my friends don't approve. I've tried exercise, which hasn't worked very well, as well as eating more fruits and vegetables, and that hasn't worked for very long either. But I know those are healthier options and my friends do approve. So I'm just not sure where to go next, but I'll keep thinking about it. For now I should just try and enjoy my week off of dieting.
So today I weighed myself and my average for today is 144.6 pounds. That's not necessarily bad, except that it means I'm not losing weight. Last Sunday my average weight was 144.1 pounds. So apparently this week I have put on half a pound. I've stuck with my new diet perfectly this week. I just can't understand why it isn't working anymore. I didn't binge hardly at all this week, and when I did, I made sure to exercise off all the extra calories. I haven't eaten more than 1,000 calories a day unless I work it off. I have been eating fruit or vegetables whenever I'm hungry because I don't count the calories for those, that way it encourages me to eat healthier. I haven't had seconds or thirds on any meals that I've eaten this entire week. I've skipped breakfast on most mornings because I don't want to spend my calories on having breakfast. I haven't had any candy and barely any chocolate at all. I have been doing all of this for the entire week, and for the last 3 weeks actually, and now it's not working. I started this new diet on April 8 and now it's 3 weeks later and it's not working anymore. I've already hit a plateau and my body has apparently gotten used to having only about 1,000 calories a day. It frustrates me because when I started this diet, I was so happy. It was better than my old diet and my friends approved and I felt better about it. I knew it was healthier and I told myself that I was definitely going to stick with this diet. It included daily exercise and more fruits and vegetables and no overeating or binging. It was perfect! But now it's not working anymore and apparently it's still not the right one for my body. I can't understand why. I thought this was a good diet. I'm only 3 weeks into it and I've stuck with this diet much better than my old one. I've stuck with all my rules and I'm gaining weight. It just blows me away.
My previous diet I started on February 19 and it went until March 27. It was much unhealthier than this one but it gave me fast results that I really loved. With my old diet, I only got 1,000 calories a day, and that included fruit and vegetables. I truly only got 1,000 calories a day, which is not very much food at all, trust me! I was basically starving myself. I felt physically bad all the time because my body wasn't working right or anything by having to live off only 1,000 calories a day. On every weekend I would go on at least a 20, sometimes 24, hour fast where I would eat nothing and only drink water. I wouldn't exercise at all for this diet. I stuck with the rules almost perfectly. Since my body was being starved though, usually about once a week I would binge because my body was basically screaming at me to eat more food. So one day a week I would eat more than 1,000 calories a day, but not much more than 1,000, and never more than 2,000. I kept up this really bad diet for about 6 weeks and I was losing weight fast. Even with the once a week binge, I was losing weight every day. I would weigh myself every day to track how I was doing. I ended up losing about half a pound a day and about 3-4 pounds a week. Sometimes I would gain about a pound a week if my binge day had been right before my weigh-in day. But still, I was overall losing weight every day and every week. It was amazing! I know it was unhealthy, both to be dieting like that and to be losing weight that fast, but it was a great feeling! I started this diet weighing nearly 150 pounds. I was about 148.7 or so. By March 23 I had leveled out at 141.8 pounds. I kept up the diet until the 27th though because I was hoping that I would keep losing weight. But I didn't, and in fact I started gaining weight again. So I figured that my body had finally gotten used to functioning on such low calorie counts and had adapted, which is why I wasn't losing weight anymore.
I gave up that diet on March 27 and went back to eating normally. By normally, I mean I wasn't dieting or starving at all. I went back to eating 3 meals a day and sometimes having seconds on meals and I wasn't counting calories anymore and I wasn't weighing myself every day anymore. It felt good to be free and to be able to eat like a normal person again. I enjoyed for a little while, but not for long. After I felt like my body had gone back to normal, I decided that I would go back on a diet again. I could tell my pants were getting tight on me again like they used to be. So I ended up weighing myself and I realized that I had put back on all the weight I had worked so hard to get off. Now I was back to 149.1 pounds, and I had only given up my diet for 11 days! On April 8 I decided to go back on a diet, and that's the one I'm on right now. I made sure this one was healthier and I figured that now my weight wouldn't plateau like that again because it was healthier and I wasn't starving myself and I was technically eating more than 1,000 calories a day and I was exercising every day. But no, this diet actually worked for half the time that my old one did! And it's given me about half the results! I don't really know what to think about that. The first week of this diet I ended up losing 2.9 pounds. The second week of this diet I lost 2.1 pounds. This week, the third week, I've gained .5 pounds. I can't understand it! I guess my body can adapt a lot quicker this time around because it's been through a diet similar to this before, even though this one is so much healthier! I guess this still isn't the right diet for me, or I'm still doing something wrong.
I'm thinking that I will go back to eating normally for this week. That way my body will "reset" itself again and it will go back to functioning normally and my body won't think I'm dieting or anything anymore. This will help my metabolism get back to normal too, although it doesn't feel like it's slowed down anywhere near as much this time as it did last time. Then by next Sunday I will probably start back up on another diet. I'm not sure what that will look like because I haven't thought about it much yet, but it will be something. Honestly, I'm tempted to going back and starving again, mainly just because starving myself gave me day-to-day, fast results that I could feel and see. Sure, it wasn't' healthy, but I did it anyway and it worked. It's so much easier to just not eat than it is to do all these crazy other routines and follow these rules that apparently don't work for very long. All I know is that starving myself worked really well for a whole 6 weeks before my body adapted and I was losing weight fast. Also, my mom starting catching on to what I was doing the first time. But now that I've been dieting and eating less for 2 months now, she isn't very suspicious anymore. I get away with not eating very much quite easily now. So if I went on that starving diet again, it would be easy to get it past my mom. The problem is that I've already promised several of my friends that I wouldn't do that anymore and I don't want to disappoint them. I know they are concerned and don't want me to do that to myself. But it's all I know that works and it kind of felt good! It's my body, I should do what I want with it! But I know my friends only want what's best and I know they are right.
The other thing is that there's a part of me that's been wanting to go back to that diet for days now. Even now, there are some days where I go back to my old habit and I barely eat anything. It's just something that I do when I'm upset or just don't fee like eating. I still go back to starving myself sometimes. It's like that old diet has already somewhat become a habit. There's a part of me that is totally ready to do that diet again and wants to. But then there's another part of me that doesn't want to do that again because I love food and I don't want to not eat it. Naturally I'm more of a binger, an over-eater, not an under-eater. The interesting thing is that even when I let myself be free, I still want to be back on a diet again. This happened last time after I gave up my 6 week starving diet and let myself be free. My freedom lasted 11 days before I actually wanted to get back on a diet again because I didn't like being free and I didn't like gaining weight again. So now this time I'm letting myself be free and right now I want to be free. I'm looking forward to the rest of this week where I can eat foods that I haven't had in almost a month now since I've started this newer diet. But I have a feeling that by next Sunday I will want to be on a diet again and I won't want to be free anymore. It's so confusing. It's like I'm happy and want to be free, but then I regret it and want to be back under control of my diet again. I don't know what I'm going to do for my next diet this Sunday, but I will start doing some thinking now and come up with a plan. I'm sure I'll want to be back on a diet and I need to come up with something that isn't starving, but is somehow healthier than the one I was just on and will give me constant results so that I won't hit another plateau. I don't know what kind of magic diet that will be, but I've got some time to think about it.
Honestly, I'm really leaning toward starving myself again. It gave me results and I didn't mind the pain it took to do it. The pain was all part of the game. Nothing comes easy. I really want to just lose all this extra weight that I've put on in the last few months and get back down to my normal weight. But then sometimes, like now, I just want to be free and love myself for who I am and eat whatever I want with no regard to my weight. But I just can't be happy with myself for very long. Within a week I'm discontent and back on a diet because I'm not happy with myself. I'm so confused about the whole thing. My old weight, before I used to have all these eating problems, was hovering between 123-126 pounds. Even then I had a few extra pounds on me because I remember having a bit of a gut then too. My goal for now is to at least get back to about 125 pounds because I know that's what I used to be at and I was fine. But if I get there and still have some extra weight to lose, then I'll try to get to 120 pounds. I've looked online at all kinds of BMI stuff and apparently 120 pounds would put me in the underweight category. But it's right on the edge of normal weight and underweight, so I'm not worried about it. Right now I can hardly imagine being considered underweight. I know I can get back to that weight again because it's my normal weight and I used to be like that for years. The problem is that now that I've put these extra 25-30 pounds on, I can't seem to get them off, no matter what I do. I've been on two different diets now and neither of them have given me consistent results. Both of them didn't work in the long run. But my first one has worked better than this, which is why I'm so tempted to go back to it.
I just don't know what to do. I've tried starving, and it worked quite well for a long time. But I know it was unhealthy and my friends don't approve. I've tried exercise, which hasn't worked very well, as well as eating more fruits and vegetables, and that hasn't worked for very long either. But I know those are healthier options and my friends do approve. So I'm just not sure where to go next, but I'll keep thinking about it. For now I should just try and enjoy my week off of dieting.
By:
skyhook2612
Age:
16-17
,
Female
