Musing From An Anime Convention

So I attended my yearly anime convention for this time of the year. Being around people makes you think of many things.  So here are things that run through my head on my rare social outing.  It helps keep these negative thoughts out of my head so that way I can at least appear positive and out-going even if I am not.

2012-09-14

You know I honestly wish I was deaf at anime conventions these days. The only thing I like being able to hear is people asking me for my picture. The rest... well... whenever I am forced to eavesdrop on people I always get to hear them talk about their billions of significant others. I have never understood that phenomenon. Where I am forced to either hear about nothing or about significant others. Well it just depresses me because I am too much of a loser. To understand how socializing works. All these girls and guys talk about their umtenth significant other. Just passing them off like they are nothing. Which annoys me to no end. Because they treat it like it is just a part of life that requires no effort.

This year has been worse because one guy tried to get me into a ***** fest about females with him. His line for drawing me in was "How Many Women Have Said You Are Too Smart". Of course, I just sort of looked off and shrugged. That was annoying because I have not had any females tell me that. I have barely had females around in my life to begin with. So here I am sitting there doing nothing wondering whether or not to care. God how I hate this all I do is just look like an idiot. Granted he was kind enough to point out to me that my eyes do not tend to focus on the person I am speaking too which makes me hard to understand and hear. He did it in the most *** way possible, but it was a goo observation.

Anyway back to the con where I get to watch hot girls run around and act like idiots. Then I get to sit there and be another wandering person who has no friends because I am already tired of spending time with my roommate.


2012-09-15

I know I am just making excuses for my own insecurity. However, my roommate is really holding me back from being anything. He has this negative leech attitude that gets in the way of my life. Hell I have even been drinking tonight and I do not want to try and do anything. Even after I ditched him. If I started having fun or something he would know and comes suck up as much as he could for his own. Because that is what he is best at, leeching fun.

It sucks knowing exactly what everyone sees when they talk to me. A negative person with no self-esteem. That is what they see. I can understand 100%. Because I see the exact same thing in him. He is lazy, annoying, negative, apathetic. I am not much better. However, I can see how detrimental it is to the people around you. I mean I hate him because he latched onto me for the convention. He latched on and since he cannot drive and I am the last one driving home.... well yeah I got screwed out of the fun of the evening. Even after I ditched him. All I had to do was think about him and I lost all motivation to even talk to another person.

Again I know I am making excuses for my own insecurity. However, at the same time he is the biggest ******* leech on the planet. I am at least willing to try and learn or not take the hand outs from friends. He has flat out told me his plan to get a girlfriend is to just be a third wheel. He literally told me that was his plan. To befriend his attractive boss and then just hang out with her a lot and get her to get annoyed with him and set him up with a friend. I am at least willing to say I do not want to have to rely on a reference.

Again if I was two ***** the man I could be, this would not matter. However, with him he has to be involved in my life. If I vanish for a few hours he is right there to check up on me and try and get in on any fun I am going to try and have. If I go out he has to know where I went. It gets so very taxing and annoying. He is a very toxic person in my life. He seeks out to get me to lead him out and to help him move along. He always does that, I get a short break when we go to Homecoming. Because he knows people who are way more social so I can keep him from leeching off of me.

I really just need to move away. Far far away, I need to plan it myself and keep it from him till I decide to move. I always feel that if I could just restart and have a fresh start I could grow or at least be complaisant alone. However, with him around.. I just do not know what I am going to do. I do not want to start any kind of social regiment because he will want in. He of course will not want to do anything in the regiment. He will just sit there and be a social drain for me... so I am stuck. I just need to get away from him. I need to get away from this life. The one thing that brings me Joy in the world, Anime conventions, and he ******* ruins them for me with his elite I watched lots of anime, hipster, too cool/lazy to cosplay bull ****. The one thing, one of a couple I guess, that makes me kind of happy in this world, he ***** up for me.

However, I am stuck here until I can move to another state.. that is all I can do. Vanish for a year get better and then come back. Knowing him he will probably try and follow me for some reason. Like I am is ******* **** buddy or something. I want to be social and out going. However, when then there is a black hole pulling you down into it, well it is hard. I see how bad toxic people are in my life how bad I am for others, online and places. I want to be a good friend... but... I do not know what I can do. Right


2012-09-16
Sigh so finally the convention is over and I can have my last bit of musing, funny how something so small can make you see things about your life.  Anyway, today it is musing on my roommate.  I know I bitched about him a lot all day, but today was the worst it could be.  Mainly because of my roommate's apathy for just doing anything.  I wear to god it is almost impossible to make him want to do anything.  I honestly do not feel like he actually gives a damn about the conventions.  He simply tags a long just because I am going.  I have an obnoxious habit of finding people like that.  I mean he did not want to go to the Funimation panel.  He is anti-dubbed anime.  He just came along because there was nothing else going on.  

It was this way in the morning as well.  He was so very annoying when he got out of bed.  He did not do anything but look annoyed and *****.  When his brother left, he became even worse.  Literally, any glimpse of enthusiasm that he had vanished when his brother left.  I know it was because he wanted to leave.  However, for some reason he did not leave.  I honestly do not know why.  His brother could have just dropped him off at home.  However he did not, he just tagged along.  Plus the fact that I had a horrible headache towards the end of it made things even worse.

Yes we were both tired, yes it was a long weekend, it always is.  It is nothing new, however, he treats it like I am dragging him there and pulling him along.  At least my former roommate had the balls to just stop going.  Coming up with very lame excuses like "forgetting" or "not having a costume".  I am sorry I ruined your weekend of just sitting down and playing Double Dragons.  Forgive me, I am sorry you had to take time off.  I am sorry you had to save up for the trip.  God, what the **** did I do to have get friends like him.  

Uhhh oh well, at least he was less annoyed because he did not have to wait for me to get my picture taken.  God I now see how I manage to live with him.  Having him around for more than 5 hours a day is too much.  He just likes to bring me down in his bitching about being poor and being a loser and all that stuff.  Bitching about how he does not have a degree that is worth anything in society.  I mean he talked about that a lot.  You know when he was not being a fan boy.  Uhhh god... I wish he would just give up and not go like a real man.  Instead of just tagging along because he can.

The only thing worse than that was my cosplay compliments.  Yes I know it is good and fine that no one wants to bring down peoples enthusiasm to cosplay.  However, my cosplay was crappy and I have to accept that.  I can make it better.  I just hate it when people are lying too  me.
ForgottenMale ForgottenMale
26-30, M
1 Response Sep 18, 2012

Sorry you had a crappy time.

No worries, it happens. I mean these days I mostly attend anime conventions and do that so that I do not appear depressed and suicidal.

You should go because, I don't know, you get something positive out of the experience, imo.

I get time off and a distraction from real life. Plus I get to cosplay and have a bunch of people force themselves to tell me how great it is.