Hopeless Hope

I want to die. I do not want to kill myself, but I want to die. I don't want to be here any more because I'm miserable physically, mentally and emotionally. I'm alone. Lonely sounds too pathetic.
I want to die because my life is pointless. I'm not excited about my future. It will be a boring bland future. I have no purpose. I will not change anyone's lives, I have not changed anyone's lives thus far. I will not make history, I will not change the world.
Once I'm gone, no one will remember or care so why be miserable when it's moot.
I mean if I don't die now or soon, I'm gonna die anyway? It's just a matter
Of time.
Why waste space and air and resources when I'm doing nothing. I'm not smart enough to do anything spectacular. I'm nurse worthy. That's the highest I will go with my life. I never realized the importance of my education until it was too late and now I'm trying so hard to make up for it by trying to learn everything possible. Documentaries and magazines, books, searching online, asking questions and it doesn't change anything. It's not important anymore. It's too late.
I used to believe I was wonderful and talented and I believed I could change the world and people's lives. I tried so hard to change people's lives. To change their outlook on life. To make their life a little better. To make them feel better about themselves. To show them kindness and make them believe it still exists and not everything is bad and now I don't believe that worked.
I don't believe I'm talented. If I were, I'd be much better than I am now.
I haven't changed anyone's lives or maybe they'd still be in my life. I surely haven't changed the world, but I still want to. It's just hard knowing i can't and never will.
Why be here when I'm pointless. And hopeless?
I don't know what happened? It's overwhelming. My brain can't hold it all in. I wish I could stop thinking. Just for a minute. Just one minute and have peace.
I don't know what happened to me. I used to be amazing in my eyes and now I'm a piece of **** and I'm sure it's not just me that sees me this way.
My parents must be disappointed. I'm no longer an aspiring musician or athlete and I smoke weed. So proud they must be.
My twin sister doesn't value me as much as I value her. I have no one in my life romantically. I do but it's a fantasy. He's there physically but I enjoy him more than he does me. In fact I think I've become more of an obligation than a want to him. Which is hard to grasp.
We're not together in anyway either. We're just loyal to each other. Well, I am to him. He doesn't trust me. I trust him. He doesn't want me, I want him. So much that I deny it.
And for friends, I have one real friend. Cody Blevins. He's the only thing I'm sure about. He would be there for me. He's my only actual friend and he lives hours away. I talk to people at school by they're not friends. I don't talk to them outside of school or text them. I don't go out on weekends- I don't want to. I only do sometimes because I feel odd if I don't. I just want to lay in bed because I'm always exhausted and overwhelmed.
I try to reach perfection but I'm flawed beyond repair. Physically-and mentally I'm obviously a mess. And emotionally as well. And I have bad health. Pain. Always messing up my life. Numerous failed doctor visits. Getting in the way.
When I talk to people I keep my problems out of the way. I do not dare burden anyone with this stuff. I will not. That isn't fair to anyone else. I try to be as normal as possible and not complain. I try to be friendly still.
I want more than anything to want to live. To have hope. I want to want to live but I just don't want to anymore. But I'm naturally optimistic and that's why suicide isn't a real option at all.
Maybe one day I will be better and want to want to live. That's the only hope I have. So for the time being I will suffer in my pathetic misery in silence and wait to want to live. And act normal and maybe it will happen if I pretend enough. I'm just so ******. No wonder no one wants me in their lives.
I really really try though. I try so hard to be nice and normal and hopeful and smart and loving and caring. I try so hard. It's useless. I'm getting no where.
Makeithappenxx Makeithappenxx
18-21, F
1 Response Jan 7, 2013

hey don't be soo hard on yourself..sometimes life can get really bad but definitely it will change for the better,,,everytime u feel down u could probably talk to a person who u trust a lot and will listen to u patiently and shed all ur feelings to that person...remember you are not alone in facing ****..it happens to so many people..if u want u could talk to me whenever u feel down..although i am a stranger to u like u i too am a caring person and i have faced crap but still sort of living and wishing at the same time when to die...look all i am saying is that i understand ur situation cause i am going through the same thing and maybe we could help each other and talk it out..waiting to hear from u...from a good samaritan